Part IV
71
Modern Rebirth
In the late winter of February 1983 something crawling across my face awoke me with a jolt. I found myself lying under a pile of human bones, covered with crawling bugs and worms in the bottom of a tomb. I couldn't remember why I was in one, but I knew that I had to get to the surface. Pushing the dead carcasses and bones off me, I punched and clawed at the stone in a panic until sandy dirt began to pour through. I kept digging and pushed my way upwards through until I broke though to the surface. I pulled myself out and laid there gasping for air, trying to catch my breath. Brushing the dirt and creepy crawlies off me, I recognized I was in a graveyard. But that was about it. Everything else was a huge blank. A sharp pain gripped my gut. Acting on pure instinct I began the hunt. I staggered out of the graveyard, crossing a deserted street. I did not recognize my surroundings or the strange lights that illuminated the roads. They were no longer dirt but covered in a black tar like substance. The buildings were different architecture mixed with old French and Spanish buildings. My gut was twisting from the hunger I had driving me to feed. I stood outside the gates of a small park trying to figure out my next move, I spotted two men walking towards me. As they got closer one pulled out a knife as the other rushed me, knocking me to the ground.
“Look at this freak. Dressed like a pirate. What's wrong with you man don't you know Halloween is over?” He snarled, noticing my tattered clothing and me covered in sandy dirt.
I looked up at them blankly, tilted my head slightly, and began to laugh at them. Poor souls, they had no chance. Instinctively I kicked up and knocked the guy off me and attacked him, draining him dry within seconds. The burning in my stomach ceased and my strength soared back. The guy with the knife jumped on my back and started to stab me over and over, then pulled my head back and sliced my throat. I didn't even notice he had done it until I got up and started to stalk him, flashing my bloody fangs. As the guy backed away from me, blood began to pour from the wound. Grasping my throat I fell to the ground. The guy ran for his life as a man who had been jogging saw me fall and rushed to help me. I was spitting up blood and struggled to breath. The good samaritan thought the guy who jumped me and I were attacked by the guy who just ran away and called the police.
“Hang on son, help is on the way.” He said as he took his shirt off and pressed it against my throat to try to stop the bleeding. By the time paramedics and police arrived I was struggling to breathe and stay conscious. The stab wounds to my back collapsed my lungs. I fought hard back against those there trying to help me. The jogger tried to keep me calm but it was no use. He was a stranger. Look at it from my point of view. You wake up in a tomb. Dig your way to the surface. You have no clue where you are or what time period you have awoken in. Something within you forces you to murder a man and then a bunch of strangers are poking and prodding you asking you questions you don't understand. You'd freak too.
When the medics picked me up they knew right away that I was a vampire and brought me to a special hospital that solely treated our kind. There, I was rushed into surgery. When I awoke I immediately became violent and kept pulling out the IV. The hospital staff had to tie me down to the bed to prevent me from doing it again and kept me heavily sedated for about two weeks so my wounds could heal. I had extensive damage to my lungs and throat. It began to puzzle the doctors when I wasn’t responding to treatment the way they wished. After tons of blood samples and tests it was determined that I carried an anomaly within my blood or DNA that they had never seen before. Of course at the time I was totally unaware that I was anything more than just a human so I had no answers for them. Thankfully they never figured out that I was a Svartálfar. I imagine I would be held in some lab somewhere while they used me as a guinea pig. Running experiments and other torturous things. Makes me shudder just thinking about it. The other draw back from being underground for such a long time was the incubus inside me had gone dormant.
Anyway, they were convinced I couldn’t digest human blood so they resorted to feeding me animal blood. Mostly beef and lamb blood from the local slaughterhouse. Unfortunately that only did so much to quell my thirst causing me to become violent and delirious from starvation at times. It made no sense to me since I was able to drink the human blood of the guy I had attacked and didn’t get sick. In the middle of the night I would awaken from terrifying nightmares that were so vivid they felt real. Like I was being attacked and ravaged by a large red demon and I had to fight for my life. The bloodlust would drive me to hurt myself just to have the taste of blood on my tongue. I would purposely cut myself with anything sharp I could find. Other times I would just bite into my wrists.
One month after I was admitted to the hospital it was decided I was to be sent to the Behavioral Health center. I was to stay there until I was either claimed or let me live out my remaining days until my termination date came. Nowadays they kill off vampires who are insane, sick, or unable to survive on their own. The reason this is done is to protect us as a whole. To not let anymore of our ways and secrets out to the public. Many vampires have written tell all memoirs which have led to a rash of wannabe's and unruly vampires who put us all at great danger. Now, one can be released from this impending termination if someone comes to claim them like a Sire or Coven member.
I still had no voice and all these strangers in white coats did was stick me with needles, pumping me full of drugs and asking questions I had no answers for. What was my name, my age, where was I from, how was I attacked, why was I dressed the way I was when they found me. What grave did I crawl out of, which cemetery, so on and so forth. Since they couldn't get any answers out of me, they ran a story about me in the underground vampire newspaper hoping someone would come forward. At this point I was aware I was in New Orleans but had no previous memories of it. And, it being New Orleans, the vampire community was still very much a large presence there and had integrated deep into human society with very little notice.
The mental health hospital was a true hell on earth. The other patients would scream day and night. I was kept sedated in a padded room wrapped in a straight jacket most of the time so I wouldn't hurt myself or others. Any time someone would try to come near I would hiss and go on the defensive kicking and trying to bite and hurt them anyway I could. I was a caged animal. Some of the orderlies would purposely release me from the straight jacket so they could goat me into attacking them. Sometimes I took them up on their offer and other times I would just stare at them with a wicked smile and laugh. This went on for about a year.
Then in April of 1984, the day came that one of the doctors ordered electroshock therapy. A day I will never forget. Wrapped snugly in my straight jacket I struggled as they strapped me down to a gurney and stuck me with a needle. As I was wheeled to the procedure room I could feel my body starting to relax. Once there the restraints were removed and I was strapped down onto an examination table. The nurses began to hook me up to different machines and an IV was stuck in my arm. A mouth guard was shoved in my mouth and two electrodes were attached to each side of my head. Finally an oxygen mask covered my mouth and nose. The panic in me was at an all time high. I shook my head 'no' feverishly. I had absolutely no clue what was about to happen to me but I was scared as hell. The doctor. looked down and said to me coldly, “I'm sorry son, but we can not have you acting out like a wild animal and hurting yourself. Your aggression is not conducive to your getting healthy. This is really for the best. If I were you I would start praying this treatment works for you or we will be forced to terminate you before your time is due.”
I braced myself the best I could as the grogginess enveloped me. Next thing I remember was waking up back in the padded cell wrapped in my straight jacket having no clue where I was or how I got there. My head was killing me, I felt nauseous, my whole body ached and my jaw hurt like I got punched. The worst part, although I had no memory of my past at that time, the more they shocked me, the more of my past was robbed from me. Within a month's time I had regressed so much I couldn't grasp basic instruction and English sounded like a foreign language. Lost in my hellish world with strangers in white coats and the incessant screaming of the others on the ward drove me into a deep, deep, depression. I refused to eat and slept most of the time away. At least I wasn't attacking anyone any more. Even when the blood lust took over, the only one I harmed was myself. The one huge saving grace I discovered while wallowing in despair was the sound of New Orleans Jazz. The first time I remember hearing it was shortly after my first electroshock therapy session. Something about it sang to my soul. It tugged hard at my inner being and drove me to tears of joy at times. When I heard the music in the distance from the nurses station was the only comfort I found in hell.
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72
A Savior
Over the next year or so my behavior didn't change. The doctors looked at this as a huge negative and decided to set my termination date to take place in July 1985. The night before I was to be put out of my misery a particularly wicked storm was brewing. It had knocked out the electric and the back up generators were out of order. Talk on the battery powered radio that echoed in the hallway was that there was a hurricane heading straight up the Gulf towards New Orleans. I jumped every time the thunder crashed. I hated the sound of it. There was something about it that reminded me of cannons, but at the time I didn't remember why. I mean I didn't even know what a cannon was. All I knew is it frightened the crap out of me. The patients screamed and howled in the darkness of their rooms. Extremely terrified and on the verge of blood lust delirium, I could do nothing but cower in the corner of my bed shaking uncontrollably in the dark room. I was actually thankful for the straight jacket hugging me. It was in one of those flashes of lightning when I saw the man standing at the foot of my bed. Dressed in priests clothing, he slowly sat down on the edge, watching me with a soft smile. Something in his stare made me relax. I no longer felt fear or the urge to fight. He cautiously reached out and touched my cheek gently. A sad look came across his face. I could sense he was a vampire, but did not fear him.
“Oh, my poor old friend. How did you ever end up in this predicament? I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen the newspaper with my own eyes. You've been gone for over almost two hundred years.”
All I could do was cower, staring at the man's priest collar as he continued to speak. The collar seemed familiar, calming. He stood about my height. His curly grayish brown hair tousled around his pale face. His green hazel eyes looked right through me. He crouched down and took me gingerly in his arms, hugging me.
“Everyone has been very lost without you.” He said smiling and unbuckled the straight jacket. I looked at him extremely confused. How did he know me? I didn't recognize him at all. A sad look crossed his face as he noticed how I was looking at him. He pushed the sleeve of shirt up exposing the strange tattoos I had.
“You don't recognize me Nicholas do you.” Ashamed, I shook my head 'no'. Even the name he called me didn't ring any bells. “My name is Brother Leo and we knew each other a very, very long time ago when we were members of a monastery together. You were a dear friend to me. I am here to help you now to repay you for saving me.” He said softly.
I still couldn't remember anything of my past. “I'm taking you out of here.” I nodded that I understood and into the darkness we went. He brought me to an old house on a dead end street somewhere in the Storyville section of the city. A very large two story house with worn green paint. A tall, thin, man with long brown curly hair past his shoulders that delicately outlined his finely chiseled features, greeted us at the door. His warm light brown eyes drew me to him instantly as he stared at me like he was looking at a ghost. He was dressed in a very sharp black suit with a red silk tie. Taking my hand he led me into the house and brought me to the living room. He and Brother Leo stood silently staring at me. I felt a little self conscious and started to fidget with the hospital scrubs I was dressed in.
“Where on earth did you find him?” The tall man asked nervously excited.
“One of my students had an old underground newspaper. He was reading it in class, so I confiscated it. While on my lunch break I decided to look through it, and there was his picture. They placed him in that god forsaken insane asylum. He was a John Doe. Luckily I got to him just in time before they terminated him. No one saw me. I will go back tomorrow evening and grab his medical records.” Brother Leo responded.
The tall man nodded, then took my hand in his and said, “It's been close to two hundred years since you passed away, or so we thought. Looks like you've matured in your appearance a bit since we last saw you. I wish you could tell me what happened, but I understand you can't right now.” He said hugging me tightly. I hugged him back.
“What does he remember?” He asked Brother Leo.
“Nothing from what I can tell. His mind is pretty blank from what I could read.”
“Nothing huh? Interesting.”
Pulling away from him I pointed at myself in an attempt to learn my name. He smiled and said, “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude. I was unaware you didn't remember. Your name was Nicholas Taylor. And since Brother Leo here absconded with you from that horrid institution we need to change your name and appearance.” He studied me for a moment, “I think I will call you Poe, after one of my favorite authors. You can be very dark, mysterious and brooding at times as I remember. Yes, Poe Faust, I like the sound of it. Are you comfortable with that name?”
I nodded 'yes'.
“We will tell people you are my nephew sent to stay with me. I think that will cover any questions on who you are.”
I then pointed at him to inquire about his name since I still had no memory of him. “The name is Demitri Faust. You once helped me escape from imprisonment. So it is only right that I take care of you know.” Turning he whispered something to Brother Leo. Nodding he understood, he took his leave. “I will be back and visit with you soon Poe.”
Demitri smiled and led me up to a room on the second floor of the house. As he led me through the house, I noticed there were images and statues of a woman throughout. “Those are the images of our Goddess and Mother Lilith. We are her children.”
He brought me to a small warm room with a pitched ceiling. There was a dresser with a small lamp on it which seemed to be the only source of light in the room. The bookshelves were packed with lots of old books. A twin sized bed was pushed against the wall under a window. I just stood there staring at it mesmerized. To me at that moment it was like a palace compared to where I just came from. He chuckled and hugged me again. I felt safe for the first time in my new reborn life. Next to the room was a small bathroom. Demitri ran a hot bath and instructed me to undress. I did as I was told and stood there covering myself. He turned around and laughed at me. He took my chin in his hand lifting my face to him. “No reason to be modest with me. We were very close at one time.” And kissed me on the forehead softly. It felt awkward. I think he sensed I was a bit uncomfortable and let me get in the tub. He bathed me and washed my hair. I felt like such a child. Millions of questions ran through my mind. Most of all why could I not remember anything. Not even how to bathe myself. I felt frustrated inside. But the bath felt warm and amazing. I finally felt myself relaxing. Once Demitri was done I got out and he wrapped me in a towel. I looked at myself in the mirror. There stood a ghostly reflection of my former self. He was right about me looking older. I appeared to be in my early twenties. About 5' 6” in height and weighed maybe all of 130 pounds. My eyes were a lighter blue, almost gray in color, dull and sunken. White hair, long, thin, and scraggly. My skin was smooth and pale. Not a mark on me other than the mysterious religious looking tattoos on my left forearm, the scar on my chest and my funny looking ears. Demitri cut my hair really short and dyed it black. Afterward he handed me some clothes to put on. I felt much better and knew I was safe at home.
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73
Learning to Live Again
Brother Leo was able to abscond away with my medical records and from them they learned of the electroshock therapy and my blood type abnormalities. From this knowledge, over the next six months Demitri had to teach me all the basics again. From how to eat with a fork and knife to how to read, and write. And since he taught me how to speak again, I now spoke with a slight Irish accent that comes and goes. We grew very close and at times he would push to be intimate. It always felt incredibly awkward and I was not ready for such things just yet, although I did find myself drawn to him. I wasn't sure if it was actually sexual though. I had no need or want for sex. No drive, perhaps it was the stirring of the incubus.
My eyes had become extremely sensitive to light and I spent a lot of my time reading, which led to having to wear dark tinted glasses. The books in the house were all by famous authors from over the centuries. Some of my favorites stories were by Edgar Allan Poe of course and the Grimm Brothers. I was drawn to the old horror writers and this century's great Stephen King. Demitri also brought me comic books as well which I enjoyed. I seemed curiously drawn to the more darker and macabre things like out of the Charles Addams books. A guilty pleasure of mine was reading the folklore and stories about vampires written by humans. Same with the movies. Aware I was a vampire by this time I enjoyed seeing what the outside world thought of us. I found it incredibly entertaining. It was also good that they got most of it wrong. It keeps the rest of us safe along with our traditions and rules. There are those rare few real vampires who have written stories about their lives and humans who write romanticized stories about vampirism which are a very good read. But even then, the most deepest of secrets have been kept. Curiously, there were no books in the house pertaining to world or American history. No encyclopedias, magazines of any kind or newspapers. We did not have cable tv and all I watched was on an old black and white tv at the time.
When I didn't have my nose buried in a book or had Bible study with Brother Leo, I passed the time alone in my room listening to music. I was drawn to the new wave sound and punk. Sex Pistols, the Clash, Dead Kennedys, the Buzzcocks are some of the best punk bands I've ever heard. Bands like the Smiths, Bauhaus and the Cure were some of my favorite new wave, now referred to as “Goth”, and still are. I love the dark melodies of Dead Can Dance. Their sound calls to me like angels singing. Like hymns being sung by a choir. I love Classical music. Mozart being my favorite composer. And a deep love for Heavy Metal, which I find to be today modern classical music. Just listen to the orchestration of any Iron Maiden song. I also like bands like Jethro Tull and most of the music of the late sixties and seventies and pretty much all 80’s music in general. On other days I would spend my time watching old movies. My all time favorites are movies made by Roger Corman who used the great Vincent Price in most of his Poe inspired movies. And I love Hammer Films. They really understand horror. The detail to all things horror in the Victorian and Edwardian era is brilliantly spot on at times. Christopher Lee has to be my all time favorite vampire with Stuart Townsend a close second.
I didn't have many rules to follow or chores to do other than making sure I read my Book of Hours and stuck to the strict prayer schedules Brother Leo had set for me. Demitri though was in charge of every facet of my new life. He controlled what I could read, watch on tv, and listen to music wise. He still did all his correspondence by mail. I was allowed to have my own style, and keep my hair the way I liked. I loved the Goth and punk styles that were starting to pop up at that time. Dressing in all black, dying my hair black, purples and blues. But there was one rule that Demitri did not waver on. I was strictly forbidden to leave the house. He kept me hidden from the new world I was in now. I was even kept away from the others who lived in the house and the servants. When he was away on business my meals were left at my door. He said there were too many dangers and temptations for someone like me. I was too new to this world and it would swallow me alive. He would fill my now empty mind of the horrors of what humans did to our kind and what could happen to me if I were ever found since I escaped my termination. Lonely, I would spend hours looking out of my bedroom window watching the world pass by. Finally my curiosity got the better of me and in January of 1986, I snuck out for the first time. Demitri was away on business, which was often. I walked the streets of New Orleans. Mostly in the French Quarter. Something familiar drew me there. It wasn't a particular house or street, just a feeling I belonged there. I loved the smells and tastes of the different types of food coming from the restaurants that lined the streets. There were times I would even sit at a café at dusk, have a cup of coffee and people watch. The cute goth girls in their short black skirts and lace. Cute goth guys in all black. I found myself attracted to those who dressed in Victorian clothing the most. At the time I was unaware as to why. There were even some who wore fake fangs pretending to be one of us. If they only knew what hell it really was to be a vampire. Always looking over one's shoulder as Demitri told me.
Other times I would spend hours strolling the cemeteries. I found myself wandering the rows aimlessly at The St. Louis Cemetery number one a lot. Almost every time I would end up staring at one grave. “Peter Rideau d. Nov 4th 1823 at sea”, I recognize it as the grave I crawled out of but the name I just couldn't remember. Funny enough though, I felt more at peace there than in my room. There was one place I always ended up going to before heading back to the old run down Victorian in Storyville. Another rundown old building that was once a brothel. It was a red three story brick building with two faded gold dragons flanking the front door. There was something about it that felt almost like home. Welcoming even in its rundown boarded up state. Across the street was an old two story house that gave me the creeps. I would stare up at those attic windows and a chill would run through me to the bone. Another piece of my past. I knew it. And it always gave me an uneasy feeling in my gut.
Demitri went to great lengths to try to keep the past from coming back to me. When I would ask about the old brothel or anything else containing to who I used to be, he would just tell me that it was just best left in the past. That the past is the past for a reason and to focus on the here and now. It frustrated me to no end when he would give me that answer.
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74
A Heated Argument
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Over the years, we moved frequently and Demitri continued to go to greater lengths to keep me hidden away. Believing he must have discovered my wandering, I found myself sneaking out less and less as the time went by. I eventually stopped leaving the house altogether and became completely dependent on Demitri and he liked it that way. I could feel he had a strong attraction to me and pushed it at times. He was a handsome man, but I didn't see him in the same way. I looked at him as more of a brother, a father, mentor and friend. But there were times we were intimate. And since I had no memory of the atrocities that Rhavan and others had put upon me or his betrayal all those years ago, I saw nothing wrong with it. Love was love, sex was sex, Demitri always said. I welcomed the passion since it was so infrequent that he was home these days. It helped curb my loneliness and afterward I always felt renewed. Even blood didn't give me the same feel. But there were times I sensed a strong energy fighting to escape me. I could feel it most when Demitri and I were intimate.
There was also the problem of keeping me fed. I mean I could eat regular food but it didn't satisfy the blood-lust. Animal blood only did so much for so long. So when the hunger became too much and began to drive me mad I would purposely cut or hurt myself to feed from my own blood. Demitri would purposely drug me into a deep sleep. I would wake up thinking it was the next day when in reality I had slept for years on and off. During these periods of deep slumber I could at times hear voices, mostly men, but every once in a while I would hear a female's voice. Sweet, warm, seductive, calling the name “Nicholas”. I still had no memory of my past before I was buried thanks to the electroshock therapy. And since I was only referred to as Poe, I had totally forgotten my old name.
By April of 2012 we had moved back to New Orleans taking up residence in the old Victorian in Storyville once again. Brother Leo would still come and visit on occasion, checking in to make sure I was doing okay living with Demitri and moving so much. I would smile and tell him I was fine, even when I really wasn't. What would he have been able to do for me? He now was in charge of an old Abbey that had been rebuilt in the early 1900’s outside the city. It’s true function was to give horney vampire clergy a place to work out their lust.
All was going well and I had been having little to no health issues until September. Nightmares had returned worse than ever. They were so lifelike I would wake up screaming for help and become physically ill after. In these dreams I would be attacked by a tall dark man who turned into a giant demon and did the most vile things to me, or I would be trapped in a burning boat. I could swear I could smell the smoke in the room at times when I awoke. It was during one of these nights I startled awake to shouting downstairs. Calming myself, I snuck down the stairs to get a better look at what was going on like a kid listening to their parents arguing. It was coming from Demitri's study. Slowly I worked myself close enough to the door where I could hear the conversation.
“How can you continue to do this to him?” A man's voice scolded him. It was Brother Leo. “I brought him to you because I believed you would care for him and do the right thing by him. I can see now I was sorely mistaken”
“Do what? Poe is very well cared for. He wants for nothing and seems quite content to not leave me like the rest. Why must you come here and try to destroy that?” Demitri snapped back.
“That isn't fair. And you know that's not what I meant. I can see you are feeding from him. Your youthful face is a dead giveaway. I have my suspicions that you are selling his blood to others as well. All of the old ones looking youthful and ravishing again. How much money have you made from this despicable little side business venture of yours? You can't keep him forever. You can't keep moving him around the world. What if he remembers? What will you do then? I promised long ago I would not get involved. But when the day comes when he comes asking me for answers, I will not lie to him.”
“What's not fair Leo? You yourself have drank his blood. Took the vial freely from my hand. Look at how young you are again. Don't be a hypocrite. He's way too naive and too open to be brought down the wrong path. Did you ever think what would happen if word got out that he was alive? What do you think will happen when they find he has risen from the grave? Which coven is going to come looking for him to use or destroy him? Can you imagine the destruction he could cause if he were ever to be able to be full strength again? At least this way he can't be exploited.”
“Not exploited by any one but you. And when you offered his blood to me I believed it was with his consent. The world has changed Demitri. There are no more wars between covens. That ended two hundred years ago when Bishop and Nicholas died. We have all lived in peace for the most part and have been left alone from the other old world covens. Yes there is the occasional political issue, but nothing to go as far to declare war over. And it's not a decision for you to make. To keep him locked away and move him from place to place like an old relic like you. We have no clue what would happen if he had his full strength. He was in deep slumber for so long he may no longer have the power he once had. You and I do not possess fae blood so we can't say for sure. Have you told anyone he's here? Or for that matter, that he's even alive? Sebastian? Kryimsson? You know full well Maeve is planning to come here for a visit soon since she does still own this house. What will you tell her then? When she notices your youthful face. When she sees him with her own eyes.”
“She won't see him. And even if she does, I doubt she will have the same reaction you have. She will understand my actions.” Demitri said confidently.
“I can not believe the audacity you have Demitri, you jealous old fool! You still can't get over her love for him. Not even after all this time. Shameful!”
“You have no idea what you are talking about. Me? Jealous of a mere boy? HA! We both know it's better this way with him. He was made way too young. So far the incubus has remained dormant and he has not exhibited any vampiric powers. I have total control over him.
“I would like to see him.” Brother Leo said disgusted.
“No, I can't allow that.”
“I demand to see Nicholas.”
“It's Poe...and I'm sorry, I can't allow you to see him. He's very ill.
“What's wrong with him?”
“The blood-lust is becoming uncontrollable. He's starving. You know he can't drink human blood. So I have placed him in a deep sleep.”
“Let me feed him. I can take some of his blood and mix it with herbs. Like I did all those years ago at the monastery.”
“I don't think that would be a good idea. We have no idea how he would react. It's too big a chance to take if we can't control him after. Now, please leave. I'm not going to ask you again.”
“This isn't over!” Brother Leo stormed out of the room angrily.
I scurried back up the stairs and hid in the shadows. Brother Leo stopped a moment and looked up in my direction and gave me a sad, but gentle smile and walked out the front door. I don't think he saw me but I know he felt my presence. I quietly went back up to my room and tried to figure out what all that talk was about. I wasn't sure who they were talking about until it was mentioned I was ill. Plus, I remembered he was the only one to call me Nicholas since I rose from the grave. An hour or two later Demitri came to check on me. He had been drinking and he was pretty drunk. I could tell the visit earlier upset him.
“I'm sure you heard the yelling downstairs earlier this evening.” He slurred.
“Yes Sir. I had another one of those nightmares and woke up and heard you shouting. I'm sorry your discussion with Brother Leo upset you.”
“Well it's nothing you have to worry your pretty little head about Poe. It's just coven business.”
My heart sank as I realized he was lying to me. He leaned in and began to kiss my neck. I froze up as his tongue caressed my skin. He held my arms and backed me onto the bed. Something in his touch made me feel like I was falling into a haze. I tried to push him back but I couldn't move. “I want to taste you.” He growled in my ear. He kissed and licked my neck, then slowly sank his fangs into the vein. I gasped out as the usual euphoria surrounded my mind. This was not the first time he had fed from me in this manner. It would happen when he drank too much, which seemed to be more often than not as of late. He would just feed from me until he got his fill and then stumble out the door. It happened enough you would figure I would be used to it, but it still left me feeling unnerved most of the time.
The following morning I awoke to find Demitri gone away once again on business. I knew the risk I took sneaking out, but I needed to get out. I wanted to see if I could find Brother Leo and finally have the answers I longed for. I searched cautiously through the Quarter for hours with no luck. Let down, I headed home. Having lost track of time, it was close to dusk. I got the shock of my life when I walked into my room and came face to face with Demitri. He grabbed me by my leather jacket and slammed me hard against the wall. It cracked beneath me upon impact. All the air escaped my lungs. I froze with fear as I gasped trying to catch my breath slumping to the floor. He hit me several times across the face knocking my glasses to the floor. The smell of alcohol was heavy on his breath.
“Where were you!” He shook me. Slamming me against the wall again.
“I, I, I went for a walk.” I stuttered frightened.
“How many times have I told you to NEVER leave this house! You have been gone for hours! How dare you disobey me!” He yelled as he continued to hit me. He pulled the belt from his pants and began to whip me with it. Hitting my shoulder first, the stinging forced me to face the wall to try to protect myself from further assault. I had never seen him so angry. Never had he laid a hand on me or raised his voice. He whipped my back several more times until I cried out. He finally stopped and I scooted away from him as quickly as I could and cowered in the corner. He glared at me angrily and stomped on my glasses. He knew I wouldn't be able to see without them. Then picked them up and stormed out of my room locking the door behind him. I slowly got to my feet and grabbed a towel and looked at myself in the mirror. My right eye was beginning to swell shut, a deep bruise had already started to develop on my cheek. I wiped the blood from my nose and lip the best I could. I took off my shirt which had blood splatter all over it, my arms, shoulder and back were covered in deep welts. They stung like mad. I put on a clean t-shirt. Sighing I walked over to my bed, grabbed my mp3 player off the nightstand, put the headphones on and curled up in a ball in bed and cried. There I tried to disappear into the physical pain and my music. I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't like this feeling inside me. I was angry at myself. Not for getting caught but for making him so mad. It was never my intention. As hard as I tried I could not hold back the tears. Anger, fear, disappointment, loneliness and self loathing just strangled my heart. I swore to myself in that moment that I would never sneak out again or try to find out about my past. I turned up the volume and lost myself in the music.
​
75
A Visit From the Past
​
In the early evening before sunset the next day Demitri came to my room and found me still curled up in a ball on the bed. I had dozed off with my headphones on and didn't hear him come in. He reached down and gently woke me. I jumped at first when I saw him. I thought he was there to yell at me again, but he looked ashamed when he saw the bruises on my face.
“Here are your glasses. I had them fixed. Come sit with me in my study, please.” He asked softly.
I nodded 'yes' and sleepily, still in my pajamas, followed him downstairs. I was depressed and had no urge to dress that day. It had been a long time since he had asked me to sit with him. Although he would never apologize for hitting me the way he did, I knew he felt bad. I could see he was uncomfortable looking at me due to the heavy bruising I still visible on my face and arms.
“Poe, I hope you understand now how important it is you never leave our home alone. When I found you gone, I panicked a bit. Never do that again.”
I nodded, I understood and the rest of the evening went on as usual. Sitting by the fire in the study, both of us enjoying each other's company and pleasant conversation. Demitri told me of his latest trip and of the latest goings on with coven issues or “vampire politics'' as he called it.
After dinner I had my nose buried in the latest Anne Rice book and sipping some nice wine from Demitri's vast wine cellar. As the evening drew on I felt extremely sleepy. I looked at him with concern as he smiled back at me. Taking me up in his arms, he carried me back up to my room. By the time he placed me in my bed I was out cold. He changed out of my clothes and dressed me in a clean nightshirt. There he left me in a doped up slumber.
Demitri was expecting company and could not afford me to awaken. That night the woman Brother Leo referred to as Maeve was coming to see him. He did not want any interruptions. They went into the French Quarter and had a lovely dinner at Antoine’s in one of the private dining rooms. Afterwards they came back to the house for drinks. They laughed and danced to music that played on the record player in the living room. After some time and feeling brave from the alcohol, Demitri wanted to share something with her. Taking a small vial out of an ornate box on the fireplace mantle, he handed it to her. “Here. Drink this.”
Trusting her friend, co-coven founder and husband, she opened it and drank it. At once she noticed her hands turning young again. She looked at him shocked.
“Is this how you have done it all these years? Looking so handsome and young my love?” She asked in amazement.
Taking her hand he said, “Let me show you something.” and lead her up the flight of stairs to a small room that was at one time servants quarters. Once inside he lit the table lamp and brought her to the bed. There laying before her was a long lost face she remembered in an instant. There lay her dear Nicholas. She couldn't believe her eyes.
In my slumber I felt the presence of someone at my bedside. Dreams began to swirl in my mind. A dark castle among large mountains. Vampires feeding from me. A church. A burning boat. Something was stirring me awake. Voices.
“How? When?” She stammered in a whisper.
“It was around 1985 when Leo appeared on my doorstep with him. He saw his picture and an article about a John Doe vampire with no memory. He was violent and they moved him to the asylum here in New Orleans. We have no clue when he first awoke. They found him one night after being attacked during a mugging. Since no one claimed him he was due for termination. Leo saved him and brought him here to me.”
Maeve grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the hallway. “Why would you not tell me? Why would you deliberately hide him for all these years? Not just from me, Kryimsson as well. He is his Sire after all. What about Sebastian? Does he even know? All of those who loved him. All those who mourned him. How dare you!” She whispered angrily.
“Come now Maeve, don't be so dramatic my love.”
Shocked at his calm and nonchalant demeanor she needed to sit down. Walking downstairs to the study she poured herself a drink and sat down. Demitri soon followed. Entering, he looked down at the woman he loved unlike none other. She was shaking with anger. Deep in his heart he knew it was a big mistake to have shown her his long kept secret. But he also knew he couldn't keep the secret any longer. Leo would have seen to that. Kneeling down in front of her, he took her hand in his.
“Maeve, my beloved, I never meant for it to drag out like this for so long. Our life together since he died was a dream come true for me. I finally had you to myself. Together we have brought the Coven of Lilith and Cain to great power. No one not dare challenge us.”
Maeve took her hand away and quietly got up to pour herself another drink. Desperately trying to calm her nerves before she let her anger get the better of her.
“Look, when he was first brought here I had all intentions of telling you. But I feared that if you knew, your love for him would be rekindled. I couldn't bear it. I have given him a comfortable life. He loves music of almost all kinds. He loves to read and watch horror movies. He remembers absolutely nothing of his past other than he is a vampire. He doesn't even remember us. Any of us.”
“Nothing?” She asked sadly.
“Nothing my darling.” He responded in kind.
“Why is he in such a deep sleep? And the vial you gave me, was it his blood? How...”
“Leo's old journals. They contained the herbal recipes used to keep Nicholas asleep in his coffin for all those years after we fled the monastery. While he sleeps I draw just enough blood from him to afford us this comfortable life.”
“So this is where you come when you say you are away on business. It's all starting to make sense. The long absences. I am so angry with you Demitri! Who are you to decide how I should react? Why would you think I would run to him after so long?” She snipped.
“Maeve, you mourned him deeply for so long. You loved him so passionately. In a way you have never felt for me.” The jealousy was clear in his voice.
Stirring from my sleep I could hear the voice much clearer now coming from the room below. They were coming from the study. A man and a woman arguing. Sleepily I rubbed my eyes. The conversation was angry sounding. Curiosity once again got the better of me and I sleepily went down to Demitri's study. I knocked on the door and entered. A shocked look crossed his face when I walked in. The woman dropped her glass spilling her drink onto the carpeted floor at her feet. She sat down quickly in the chair next to her as if her knees gave out from under her. She was absolutely beautiful. Wide blue eyes stared at me. Her fire red hair fell in curls around her shoulder. The face of an angel.
“I am humbly sorry Miss, I didn't mean to startle you.” I smiled shyly.
“I asked you not to leave your room. Have I not Poe?” Demitri angrily scolded me.
“I woke from a nightmare and I heard voices. I'm so very sorry. I meant no disrespect Sir.”
“Please, go back to your room and lay down. You still don't look good.” He snapped at me.
I hung my head and nodded, not wanting to anger him any more than I had already. I feared in the back of my head he might hit me again. I went back to my room and tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I couldn't get the beautiful woman out of my mind.
​
​
76
A Small Glimpse
​
The following morning the woman was gone and so was Demitri. Whatever he had put in my drink the night before still had me feeling rundown. I tried to watch a movie, “Robocop” I think. It's a guilty pleasure movie, something I watch when I just don't want to think about anything. A few others are “Total Recall'', “Running Man”, and Predator”. I don't know what it is about those particular movies that help me forget the world for a while, but they do. My mind kept wandering back to her. Who was the mysterious woman? Why did she captivate me so? I decided to walk around the back courtyard garden and listen to some music to clear my head. Wandering around aimlessly, I found myself at the far corner of the garden of the old brothel next door. I had never been in this part of the yard before. There covered in overgrowth was a small tombstone. Bending down, I started pulling at the weeds and vines to get a better look at it. I wiped the dirt off the front revealing an inscription.
“A Beloved wife and mother robbed of her precious life by the vile deed of murder
“Katherine Siobhan Kent Taylor b. Aug 7 1763 – d. Nov 1 1786
and her infants,
Pierre Rideau Taylor.
Katherine Maeve Taylor
b. Sept 3 1786– d. Nov 1 1786
As her inconsolable husband and father of her children grieves,
May they sleep the angel’s sleep in peace as their deaths are avenged.”
Something slammed into my head hard. Almost like I was hit by a shovel. A blinding light came from behind my eyes. A vision of a bloodied young red haired woman lying with dead infants in her arms. I cried out in pain. Stumbling to my feet I tried to distance myself from the grave as quickly as I could. Her bloodied face kept flashing in my mind. I couldn't shake it. I called out for someone to help me. I couldn't see anything but the blinding light. What was happening to me? Gentle hands held my shoulders as they led me back inside the house and up to my room. By the time we got there the pain was gone as was the bright light. I was absolutely dumbfounded.
“When will the Master be back?” I asked uneasily.
“A week or so. We are moving again young Master Poe. He went to make the arrangements.” Answered the servant I knew as Mr. Bela. He was a kindly older gentleman who was the house caretaker.
“Where are we moving to this time?”
“Master Faust wants to go back to his ancestral home in Wolferborn, Germany. We are preparing to close the house.”
My mind raced. The vision of the young woman flashed again. My body began to get extremely hot like I was burning up with fever. “Do you know who Brother Leo is?”
“Yes”
“Please contact him for me. Ask him to come at once.” I begged. Worried, Mr. Bela ran down to the study and made the call. Why was Demitri so quick to always move us? Why so sudden this time? Did it have to do with the visits he had as of late. Both seemed very disappointed with him.
Within the hour Brother Leo arrived. He found me pacing my room. All I could do was look at him and cry. He held me tight as I broke down in his arms. “Brother Leo I'm so lost. Demitri is moving us again. This time to Germany! I think it's because he caught me after I snuck out to find you the other day.” My hand went to my cheek. I still had slight bruising left from the beating.
“When you and that woman had words with him his drinking became worse. Ohhhhh, Brother Leo I don't want to move anymore. Who was that woman? And then today after I found the tombstone in the back corner of the garden of the brothel....” I trailed off.
“What happened in the back garden Poe?” he asked, very concerned.
“I found a tombstone. I cleared it away and I read the epitaph. A blinding white light came behind my eyes and my head hurt like it was splitting apart. I saw a young woman covered in blood with dead infants in her arms, twins I think. Her face keeps flashing in my mind. I have dreamed of her before. Please help me. I don't want to move away.” I wept.
“Pack a bag boy. You're coming with me.” He ordered.
Together we left the house in Storyville without being seen. He brought me to a small apartment on Ursulines above a quaint antique shop. A friend of his owned the building and the shop. My head was throbbing still and I laid down on the couch.
“My friend is away in Europe for the next several weeks. You will stay here until we figure out a few things. But first my boy, you need to rest.” He said covering me with a blanket. I was out in seconds. Visions flashed through my mind. Mountains. Strange elf like beings. Fire. A castle high up on a mountain. Vampires feeding from me. Cannon fire. Smoke. Monks. The blood covered girl. Smoke. Lots of smoke. Waking with a start Brother Leo was there to calm me.
“How are you feeling? Any better?”
“Yes, thank you. A bit. How long was I out for?”
“Two days. You must have been very exhausted. You need to feed, and sadly I do not possess the blood you need. I went ahead and made this elixir for you. Perhaps it will help a little.”
I took the shot glass of red liquid and drank it down quickly. It tasted sweet like nectar. Within seconds I began to feel much better. I looked at the glass and back at him in amazement. I was at a loss for words.
“Feeling better I see.” He smiled.
“Yes! Much, much better. Thank you! It's amazing! What was it?” I asked as I looked at the empty shot glass.
“You're welcome. While you were asleep I took a little bit of your blood and mixed it with some herbal tinctures. I will make sure to teach it to you. This way you no longer have to depend on Demitri for proper nutrients beyond animal blood. Are you hungry? You must be famished after two days?” He silently chuckled.
“Oh yes!” I exclaimed happily.
Brother Leo had a nice steak dinner delivered for me. It was one of the best I had ever had. I think it tasted so good because I was out from under Demitri's thumb. That brought me to wonder had he been told of my disappearance yet? Had he come home to discover I was gone?
“Does Demitri know where I am?”
“No, although he has called me frantic. He is besides himself with worry and guilt. He is extremely sorrowful for the beating he gave you and for how he has kept you away from others.”
I didn't want to cause Demitri any heartache, but I also wasn't really sure if I wanted to go back. Something was going on and it was coming to a head. And I knew it had to do with me. I needed answers that he refused to give.
“Brother Leo, do you know anything about the tombstone in the back garden at the old brothel?”
“I do.” He said sadly.
“Tell me please Brother Leo. I have to know. I'm begging you.” I dropped to my knees in front of him.
“The bodies of your wife and infant children lie there.”
Numbness enveloped me. All I could do was stare at him in disbelief. Searching frantically my memories but nothing came.
“Don't try so hard to remember in this moment. The mind is an amazing thing. All will be revealed to you in time my son. Until then, here, take this. It belongs to you.” He handed me a leather bound journal with a cross and other decorations embossed into it. Opening it to a random page I saw it was my handwriting. All I could do was look at it dumbfounded.
“You need to go back to Demitri for the time being. Take that with you. Don't force yourself to remember the past right now. All will come to you sooner than later now I think. I know you keep asking Demitri and I about the past. But it is best you remember on your own without anyone influencing your memories. Do you understand?” He asked with a halfhearted smile. Dejected, I nodded that I understood.
That evening we went back to the old green Victorian in Storyville. Demitri gave me the tightest hug when he saw me. I broke down in tears. Neither of us wanted to hurt the other. Demitri had his reasons for his actions and I knew that in time we would have our talk. He promised he would not move us to Germany and would stay in New Orleans. He also said that Brother Leo could begin to teach me some herbalism so I could be more involved in my health. By December I had become an apt pupil of the craft of Herbalism and Demitri even had one of the spare rooms turned into a copy of Brother Leo's study from the Abbey. I had all the herbs and tinctures I could need. Bookshelves full of herbal and formula books. As much as I wanted to read the journal Brother Leo gave me, I still could not bring myself to read it. For so long all I wanted was answers. Now that I had it in the palms of my hands and in my own handwriting, I feared what I might find out. Did I really want to remember the murder of my wife and child? All the flashes of past memories and none of them pleasant. No. I really didn't want to know now. Demitri may have been right all along about leavening the past in the past.
​
​
77
When the Glass Ceiling Shatters
There was something big happening with the coven and it didn’t look good. A power struggle happening within the ranks over the past several years but Demitri held fast to his position. During this time his drinking became worse than ever. He had been doing so well too. We had grown quite close and to see him like this was breaking my heart. I wanted to help my friend but he would only get angry and tell me I was just making things worse. He was angry from the moment he arrived home from his business trips to when he’d leave again. He would verbally lash out at me pretty much the entire time. I did my best to stay out of his way. In August of 2017 it got so bad I began staying with Brother Leo at the Abbey whenever Demitri was back in town. By this time I was aware of what the Abbey’s function really was, but still had no memories of it or my time there. Brother Leo gave me work there doing odd jobs so I could earn a little money of my own.
I had stopped searching for my past and learned to live the new life I had been given. The nightmare would still happen from time to time, but only in times of great stress. I began to have vivid dreams of the red headed women I had met in Demitri’s study and of a blonde haired young man. They were filled with love and joy and I would wake the following morning feeling refreshed with a positive outlook on the day.
Early on at my stay at the Abbey I was working on cataloging some books for Brother Leo when he called me over to him. There standing with him was a very attractive young Parisian man with blonde hair and cherub face. His eyes widened as if he recognized me through the short spiky multicolored hair and extra weight gave me a slightly matured look. His smile was beautiful.
“Poe, this is Henri Rideau, he is one of the trainers here for the Confessionals. Henri, this is Poe Faust, he is Demitri’s nephew. He will be staying here periodically when Mr. Faust is in town. They are having some problems and it’s better he stays here. In the meanwhile, I think you two will get along fine.”
Henri gave Brother Leo a knowing smile and we smiled and shook hands. Something in his touch shot a strange feeling through me. Like butterflies in my stomach and a little weak in the knees. I think I may have even blushed. After that day he began to visit me often when I was in the library. To this day I believe he recognized me right away, but he never said a word. The hint was in our introduction, the way he looked at me, like I was familiar to him. Sadly though at the time I still had no memory of him. This I think he used to his advantage. He would flirt, and bring me little trinkets of affection, kissing me on the cheek with his soft sweet lips. The feelings I had for him confused me tremendously. In all the time I had been awake I had no desire for companionship but now my heart raced every time he said my name. I confided in Brother Leo about how I felt and he straight up said, very bluntly, that I should not get involved with Henri beyond friendship. Doing as my mentor requested, I did my best to put those feelings aside and create a strong friendship instead.
It had to be right around fall, late November perhaps, I can’t quite recall. Anyway, A large number of the Coven of Lilith and Cain had slowly been arriving in town. They were having their annual meeting. Demitri requested that I stay at the house with him, he felt it was much too dangerous for me to be at the Abbey at this time. I didn’t understand at the time why, but it was all made clear in time. Brother Leo had joined us for dinner that night. The mood was light and joyful and Demitri actually seemed relaxed for a change. We had just finished dinner when suddenly there was a loud crack from the front door. Before any of us could react the door to the dining room slammed open. There stood a man tall with long black graying hair and an eye patch that covered a large scar over his right eye. I stood up ready to confront this intruder when Demitri shoved me behind him.
“How dare you enter my home like this! You have no right!” He yelled.
“HA! Your home? This is all of our home. It belongs to the Coven first! Your years of deceit have been found out! You can't hide him any longer. I know he lives. SHE told me he lives.” The man said in a sad but anger filled voice. He kept staring at me as if he might know me. “Wait! Is that him? Nicholas?” He asked.
Demitri turned to me and said, “Go to your room now Poe. I have some business to discuss with this man.”
As he walked me out the door, I stopped and stared back at the man for a moment. There was something very familiar about him to me. “Poe Go now. Please.” Demitri said, pushing me up the stairs. As I started up the stairs, something wasn't sitting right with me. I opened my door and closed it, as if I entered. Tucking myself into a dark corner at the top of the stairs, I sat and listened as the two continued to argue in the main hallway below.
“What gives you the right to barge in like this! ” Demitri demanded.
“Let me see Nicholas!”
Remembering the beating I got the last time I defied him for leaving the house I was not about to intervene. As I entered my room I was startled to find the very, and I do mean very beautiful, voluptuous, red headed woman with bright blue eyes and a sexy mischievous smile sitting on the edge of my bed. It was her! The woman who had come to visit a few years back. I slowly backed up against my door as it shut behind me while she studied me. There standing nervously before her was no longer the young brazen, fearless teenage Svartálfar she had once known. Now stood a mear, shadow of the young man she once knew, now looking to be in his early twenties. Smokey tinted glasses covering his sensitive, once fiery, bright, ice blue eyes which were now almost translucent in color and fearful. Black spiky short hair with streaks of blue. Dressed in black jeans with a black dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I looked back at her confused but mesmerized at the same time. I couldn't stop staring at her.
“Hello Nicholas. It's been a very long time.” Her voice was so seducing.
“I'm sorry but my name is Poe, Poe Faust. I am Demitri's nephew. I'm sorry, aren’t you the woman I startled that night in Demitri’s study? I apologize again for that. ” I said shyly.
“Hmmm, he named you Poe, very fitting.” She smiled. “You can come closer. I promise I won't bite. Unless you want me too.” She said with a smile. Then the look on her face changed to concern.
I looked at her fearing I insulted her, I stammered. “I'm sorry. I, I didn't mean to sound rude. It's just the only name I know.”
“There is nothing you need to apologize for. Poe it is.” She got up and slowly approached me. “How long have you lived here in this house?”
“We move a lot. But we have been here for several years now. Demitri promised we weren't moving any more.
“Do you know what year this is? She looked at me in shock.
“I believe it is 2017, November I think. Most of the time I don't even know what day it is though. No real reason to when you're a vampire. One day just bleeds into the next.” I said a bit worried.
A little fear gripped my chest. What was going on here. I felt a little overwhelmed by the questions that began swirling in my head.
“When did you come live with Faust?”
“Summer I think. 1985 something. I'm not good with time. I was in a mental hospital when Brother Leo found me and brought me to live with Demitri.” Suddenly while looking at her a snippet of a memory of a woman with the same eyes flashed in my mind. Panic hit me hard. I began to feel like a caged animal. My hand went for the door but she stopped me.
“What's wrong. I don't mean to scare you. Please.” She said taking my hand in hers gently. The panic subsided as she led me back from the door.
“How long has it been since you were fed properly?” She asked concerned as she helped me steady myself.
“I can't drink human blood. It makes me really sick. And since Demitri says the blood I need is very hard to find, he feeds me animal blood. Brother Leo taught me how to make some herbal elixirs and they help a bit as well but it only holds off the hunger for so long. Sometimes the hunger drives me to do things.” I said ashamed as I tried to cover the scars on my arms. I suddenly felt tired. “I need to sit down. All of this is a bit overwhelming.”
The woman helped me to my bed. I sat down and tried to collect my nerves. My head began to pound like a sledgehammer was slamming into it. I stood up and grabbed my head grunting in pain. Everything went black for a few moments. When I came to the pain was gone and I had no clue where I was. As I became aware of my surroundings, I turned to see the woman sitting on the floor next to me with a very concerned look in her eyes.
“What happened” I looked up at her confused. Last I remembered I was sitting on my bed.
“I'm not sure. You grabbed your head, got up and tried to walk across the room then collapsed. Let me feed you. You can take my blood because I am also fae.”
As she was helping me up off the floor my bedroom door flung open. Demitri came crashing in with the man right behind him, knocking him over.
“Don't you dare feed him! Stay away from him. Poe, come here!” He yelled pointing to the floor in front of him. Like an obedient dog I stood next to him.
“It is you! It's really you! OMG! I can't believe it's you! I can't believe you are here, alive!” The man said excitedly as he fought back the tears of happiness. “How long have you been here? What happened to you?”
“Poe, say nothing!” Demitri snapped at me and glared at me as he did the night he hit me. I looked away subserviently and the man did not like seeing my reaction.
“Wait. What? He's been here the whole time right under our noses? The whole time?” The man questioned him, angrily.
“No, not the whole time. Maeve had known for quite some time as well. Why are you not snapping at her too?” Demitri yelled back.
Looking at the hurt in her twin brother's eyes, she explained, “Yes, I knew he was alive, but you Demitri threatened to take him away and hide him from us if I ever said anything.” She pointed angrily.
“It was better for my own emotions to stay out of it. Poe seemed happy here and I could not disrupt that. I also knew dear brother that if I had told you, you would not have stayed away. We both had our reasons not to tell anyone. But why Demitri do you have to have such control over him? He never gave us any reason not to trust him. He united the covens and ended the wars between us for Goddess sake!”
“How well do you really know him Maeve? Up until the time he lived with us at the brothel you knew him only a matter of weeks. Then after thirty years we help him escape the Coven of Cain's clutches and the next thing I know he's your paramour! The deal was we were to use him as a weapon against the Order of the Old Blood. Nothing more!”
“My 'paramour'?” She exclaimed, insulted.
I stood by in utter shock at what I heard coming from Demitri. I had absolutely no memories of any of them and here he was talking about a past he refused to speak to me about. It hurt me that he felt resentment against me for Maeve's feelings.
“And you! Why couldn't you have just stayed dead? When I saw your face at my doorstep with Leo I knew the truth of what happened long ago would eventually come to light. You were supposed to die in that God forsaken asylum!” He yelled at me bitterly.
It really was me he was talking to Brother Leo that night they argued in the study. I was Nicholas. When Maeve finally heard his admission of guilt she sat back down on the edge of my bed in disbelief. I still had no memory of the night I “died' or what transpired before that. All I remembered was a few glimpses of Maeve, the tall man called Kryimsson, Demitri, a young Native American man and other faces I had no names for from my dreams.
“You knew I was in the asylum the whole time?” I asked, dejected.
“Yes, I saw it the first time they ran it in the underground news. And you would have been terminated if it weren’t for Leo discovering you. It’s not the first time I knew you lived. I knew of your exploits with LaFitte. When the disruption of slaves began in 1818 it had you written all over it. You thought you covered your tracks, but not good enough for me not to notice.” I had no clue what he was talking about. Who was LaFitte? We all stared at him utterly confused.
Kryimsson suddenly looked like a light went off in his head. “Wait, that was you! Back in about the early 1800's I felt the pull of the ring I gave you. I went back to the plantation after that but only found your grave empty and the ring in a small box. But after that I could not pick up any trace. Neither could Sebastian. He felt your presence too. Together we searched for you but found no trace. Good work. Everyone else thought we were mad. See sis, I told you he was alive.” He said with a frown.
“Pray tell where were you!” Brother Leo quipped.
“I’m, I’m sorry but I don’t remember.” I said sadly.
“What truth?” The man demanded turning his attention back to Demitri.
“I discovered what you all were doing Kryimsson behind the coven's back. Poe and your little band of vigilante vampires were attacking too many of Bishop's safe houses. Suspicion began to fall on the Coven of Lilith and Cain. I could not have that. You were interrupting the food flow into the South and it would not be tolerated any longer. I could not allow it to continue or the coven would have never had a chance. I also could not compete with her love for you so I tricked you into believing that Maeve was only being over sensitive when you were going out to make a run up the Mississippi. I knew the Lieutenant was waiting with Bishop's fledglings that night I convinced you to go. What I didn’t account for that you actually could take out Bishop. To you, I am grateful for that because it has allowed me to come to power as the head of this coven. When you first showed up in New Orleans in 1815 I was shocked to say the least. I actually readied myself for you to seek out your revenge on me, even went as far as to make final arrangements, but you never came. I kept tabs on you no doubt thought. For a time you stayed here in New Orleans in 1815 when you first rose. Of course you would go back to what you did best, piracy. You moved goods up and down the Mississippi River. Eventually this caught the attention of Captain Jean Lafitte and you began to sail with him and his crew for a time. You had a falling out over the sale of slaves and went parted ways. One day Lafitte went rogue and attacked a Spanish merchant ship. They, themselves, had some heavy protection as escort and took you out pretty quick. You were able to get the crew to safety. The ship went down engulfed in flames and you went down with it. I think it was 1823 or something. Your loyal crew found your body somehow and brought you back here and buried you. Once you woke again in 1983 there was nothing I could other than keep tight control of you and pray you would never remember. When Leo left you here I told him I would let others know you lived. But everything I have depended on relied on all believing you were still dead. Then I remembered the power in which your blood held and decided to turn a negative situation into a positive. I must say, thanks to you I have made a fortune over the years.”
By this point I was shaking pretty badly. Brother Leo had stood silent the entire time. Shocked at all he had just heard. He came over and put his arm around me to console me. I looked at Demitri with pleading eyes but no answer he could give would justify what was said with such malice. I tried to shake it off but all it did was make my head throb like someone was hitting me in the head with a hammer. I felt my knees wobble and my stomach lurched and I ran to my bathroom and reached the toilet just in time as everything came up. My head was pounding so hard I thought I was going to pass out again. They were all back to yelling at one another as I desperately tried to sort it all out in my head. The sudden hatred from Demitri and the fact he knew I was alive and that he purposely left me in that hellhole was beyond my comprehension. I got up and brushed my teeth and washed my face with cold water to try to calm myself. As I was doing so I looked at myself in the mirror. “This is so out of hand. What the fuck is happening? Get it together. Your name is Poe Faust. You can’t really be this other person they are fighting about. There is no fuckin possible way. It, it can’t be.” I said to myself. Taking a deep breath I walked back into my room. A flood of visions caused me to stumble. I began to remember that night. The awful, awful night that began with an argument between Maeve and I. I looked at her with sorrowful eyes. All of it rushed back like a tidal wave. The incident on the docks, the Lieutenant, The burning bodies jumping from the boat. Bishop. It was all too much. I began shaking badly and I began to rock back and forth. Brother Leo held me trying to comfort me. I looked at him straight in the eyes.
“I remember. I remember.” I said to him in a whispered voice.
Slowly I was able to get to my feet, I stared Demitri down. I had a look on my face he hadn't seen since the day of the attack on the brothel. “You! You set me up and handed me right to Bishop. All those poor innocent people you watched them burn and you did nothing! I begged you to help me but you abandoned me in that basement in the house, right there across the street. I told you I would leave and go far away where no one would find me. But no! You left me there to rot. Do you know they made me watch Maeve and Kryimsson mourn my “death” from that window right there!” I pointed out the window. “You know the ONLY reason I never told anyone after my rescue was for Maeve's sake and the coven. It would have rocked both to its core.” Luckily for both of us that was all I was able to recall at the time.
“You selfish prick! Yes, we were breaking coven and treaty rules but you all left him no choice. He did all the right things. He petitioned the council. You all denied his revenge. You gave him no other choice. And then you hand him over to the enemy! When we rescued him he was in such horrible shape. I honestly never thought he would recover after that. But he did and came out of that trauma stronger than ever. He showed me, and I felt every bit of what those monsters did to him in a fit of rage because I also had betrayed him by not telling him Rhavan still lived. It was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced in my two thousand years. I am thankful he doesn’t remember his past. I know deep down this was never about your love for Maeve. You wanted to run and rule the coven alone. You wanted all that power. And even with Nicholas, I mean Poe, out of the way, you still couldn't attain it could you. You still live in a house Maeve owns. You may run the coven for now certain aspects, but it is still Maeve who rules above all of us. You never could escape her shadow. That is what this all really boiled down to. You are afraid that if it’s known the boy lived he would tell all about the treason you committed against your own coven. Keeping him alive to sell his blood is just as bad, if not worse.” Kryimsson yelled at him.
“Why? Why do you hate me so much?” I asked in a defeated, sad voice.
“It's not hate, child. You were the competition. A threat to our survival. I had to try and eliminate you. As far as the incident with your sloop, that was most unfortunate. Then again it was your own actions which lead to it happening.” He spoke as if it were all nothing more than a business deal.
Kryimsson grabbed Demitri and began to slam him against the door almost trying to shove through it. “I never trusted you. I should have killed you all those centuries ago when I had the chance! Oh how I love these old English oak doors!” He smiled as Demitri's body flailed against it.
I wanted to be angry but couldn't. I was too tired of the lies and my head hurt too much to care. I no longer feared the strong man who had taken care of me all these years. I saw a broken old man who's lies had all finally caught up with him. For all the wrong that he had done to me in the past, he did take care of me for close to thirty years. I grabbed Kryimsson off Demitri and backed him away, putting myself between them.
“What are you doing?”
“I understand your anger. Believe me I do. But violence will not solve anything other than making you feel better. I do owe him at least for caring for me all these years.”
“Taking care of you? You call keeping you sheltered from the reality of the outside world. Keeping your past hidden from you for all these years? Making profit from YOUR blood.” Maeve yelled at me.
“Ye...yes,” I stammered a bit. I wasn't used to being yelled at and it made me jumpy. “I mean he didn't have to take care of me. He could have done much worse. I was set for termination the following morning Brother Leo took me from the hospital. He could have very easily returned me. Granted this is all sorts of wrong what's happened here but I do owe him. Pity him.” Kryimsson and Maeve stared me down like I was prey.
“Hear me out. Please. He's the one who has to live with his guilt of the betrayal of all of us and your coven for as long as he walks this earth. Never to drink my blood again to keep him young. Don't you both agree?” I asked nervously. I was feeling very overwhelmed and just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I couldn't look at Demitri. I was too hurt.
Now that everything was out in the open, I suddenly wondered what was going to happen to me. Demitri didn't want me that was for sure. Everyone was back to shouting at one another. So many emotions swarmed through me. All I knew was that I needed to get out of that room. I was able to slip out without being noticed. Grabbing my jacket, I went outside and walked to the small garden behind the old brothel. I cleared away all of the dead foliage around the tombstone and discovered a smaller one next to it. It had my name on it, 'Nicholas Taylor’ and a death date in 1788. I guess that was the death they kept referring to. I didn't remember any of that yet at the time. I sat there on the chilly ground and stared at the tombstone of what was once my family. Tiny little snippets of memories came back as I sat there. Kissing a beautiful red-headed Irish girl while she cradled twins in her arms lovingly. A warm comforting feeling came over me as the few sweet memories came back. I was numb to the core. I had lost so much due to others playing puppet master with my life. Was this going to continue forever? I didn't want it to. At that moment I made a promise to myself. I was going to start living life my way. What that was I honestly had no clue. But I did know this current situation was a chance to start anew. Still deep in thought I didn't see Brother Leo behind me. I heard the rustle of his coat as he crossed himself.
“I miss them so much Brother Leo. Right now all these memories feel like yesterday. So fresh and painful. I had let the war between Bishop and I go. It had been years without incident. I tried to do the right thing. I always try to do right but it all seems to backfire. So much death by my own hands. Has all of it been penance Brother? What could have it been like if they just let us live our quiet life?”
“You, my dear boy, were too much of a warrior to have had a quiet life. We both know that deep down, don't we.” He said quietly patting my shoulder. “As far as these tragedies surrounding you, they were life lessons, never punishment. God doesn't work that way. Contrary to what the church may try to convince the populace. You are a very good soul Poe. Life will bless you with all you need. Not necessarily what you want. Get my meaning? Everything seems upside down, but in the long run, this was all for the best.”
“What do I do now? I can't stay here. Not with all I know now. Not with how Demitri truly feels about me. Did you know he felt this way about me?
“I honestly had no clue. About any of it. He deceived us all greatly. Come, let's go back inside and we will figure out our next step. Shall we?”
Together we walked in the house and the three of them had moved to Demitri's study to continue their yelling at each other. I had had enough. I walked in with Brother Leo in tow and raised my hand. They all shut up at once. I'm pretty sure the look on my face said it all. I was mentally and emotionally spent and my head was killing me.
“Enough. It's time to bring you home with us. No one will ever take advantage of you again. I promise.” Maeve said, holding me in her arms. “Demitri, I will deal with you later after the holidays. I would advise you to start looking for somewhere else to live. I want you out by the end of January. Even that is too generous. I will send for someone to pack up Poe's belongings and have them shipped up to New Jersey. Is this understood?”
“Wait, may I speak? I very much appreciate you wanting to bring me home with you Maeve, but I think I would be more comfortable here in New Orleans and live with Brother Leo at the Abbey as I work through all of this.” All three looked at me a little shocked.
“I mean no disrespect, please believe me. It’s just, my life is here, and well, I don’t remember you and it would be a great upheaval for me to just up and leave. My home is here. I hope you can understand.” Kryimsson nodded yes with a lost dejected look.
Demitri knew his whole delicate house of cards had just tumbled down around him. Up to my room I went alone, to gather some clothes and other things I would need. Part of me was sad to have to leave the room which was my solitude for so long, but also happy to be out of this fucked up situation with Demitri. So much time had been lost through those long periods of slumber. He made no move to stop Brother Leo from taking me from his home. Said not a word to me as I left. He wouldn't even look at me. I think he was secretly thankful that all was finally out in the open and no longer had to hide me away. Maeve would never forgive him for his betrayal and the way he manipulated her into loving him. The following evening Demitri was removed from the head of the coven and asked to leave for his betrayal against them.
The first night at the Abbey was a rough one. Once I got myself settled I needed a shower. I felt like shit and I figured it would help. As I showered, Demitri’s voice kept echoing in my head. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed dead.” It broke me and I sat in the shower and cried. Got dressed, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I was more heartbroken than I thought. My sleep was plagued by visions of fire and war.
When I awoke the next morning I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to eat. I sat and just looked out my window still trying to process everything that had happened. Eventually it all became too overwhelming and I had to get out. As I walked the gardens Henri came up behind me giving me a tight, tight hug startling me almost knocking me off my feet.
“Is it true? Are you living here now? I heard you and Mr. Faust had a falling out.” His voice had a tone of sympathy mixed with excitement.
“Yes, he and I, ummm. Brother Leo is letting me stay here while I figure things out.” The sadness was evident on my face.
“Awww, mon amour, don’t be sad. You have me!” He exclaimed and kissed me on the lips. I found myself responding in kind. A shot of sexual energy hit me, hard. We embraced and made out for some time. Pulling away from me to catch his breath, “Poe, you surprise me! I had no idea you felt this way for me. You have always polity accepted my affections, but never quite responded the way I had wished. But here we are now, in each other's arms as I have dreamed of for so long. Do you care for me Poe? Do you really, truly?”
Looking at him in those light blue eyes I melted. “Yes Henri, I have had feelings for you for some time but I was told I should not act on them. But now, I am living my own life and will do as I like. And I like you, a lot.” And I kissed him deeply again. Thus began our whirlwind romance.
78
Confronting the Past
Henri and I became even closer over the following months. He would sneak into my room at night and we would drink wine, have really hot and heavy make out sessions and talk about all sorts of things. He never pushed me for sex or asked about my past. But the more time I spent with him the more familiar he felt. Dreams of a blonde haired elven faced young Parisian man kept recurring and he looked so much like Henri, just a bit younger. I would ask him on occasion if we had ever known each other. He always smiled his sweet, beautiful smile and said no.
During some downtime in the library, I found myself in front of one of the computers. I didn’t know much about them. I used it mostly for cataloging Brother Leo’s library and writings. I didn’t have a social media account or even email. I took a deep breath and typed 'Pierre Donadieu' into the Google search bar. The name came to me the night before in a dream. The first person to come up was located, of all places, New Orleans. After doing a bit more investigating I discovered that this person worked at the Abbey. I clicked another link and a photo popped up. I sat and stared at the screen for what felt like hours. Is that my Pierre? Had he been right under my nose the entire time? Did he know I was alive? Was ‘Henri’ really Pierre? Why hadn’t he been honest with me? Why did Brother Leo not say anything to me for that matter. Before I went and made a fool of myself I had to go speak with him before I made a fool of myself. My hands shook as I knocked on Brother Leo’s office door. As I waited for his response my heart began to beat hard in my chest.
“Hello Poe! It's so good of you to visit. How was your St. Patrick’s Day? I heard you and Henri had fun at the “Boondock Saints” last night. I am glad to see you both getting along so well. Did you have a good night’s rest? How are you holding up?” He was extremely happy to see me.
“Hi Brother Leo. Good day to you too as well. Yes, he and I had a great time. It’s nice to get away from the Abbey sometimes. Things are going good here. It’s been a bit trying at times but I’m making the best of it. I miss Demitri. How has he been? I still care and would like to know he is okay at least. I feel bad for how things went down. I feel it was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't kept searching for my past...I don't know.
“Demitri has cut off contact with me for the moment. And please my boy, never ever feel bad for what happened. Demitri brought it all upon himself. This shall pass and all will be well once again. Don't dwell too much on him. Focus on you and your new life. But I don’t think small chat is why you are here. What’s really on your mind my boy?”
“I have something I need to ask and I need you to be honest. Is Henri really Pierre?”
His face flashed a slight look of shock as he sat quietly looking at me for what felt like forever. My heart was pounding so hard at this point I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. “Brother Leo?”
“I'm sorry, your question took me off guard. Why do you ask?”
“I had a dream last night and the name ‘Pierre Donadieu’ popped up. I looked up the name on the computer in the library, and the info came back here and the photo I saw looks an awful lot like Pierre. And that isn't answering my question by the way Brother Leo.”
“I was hoping that you would not go back down that path of your life. You are doing so well. But yes, they are one in the same.”
“Was he there the entire time I lived in New Orleans?” The anger in my voice was evident.
“Yes. Have you slept with him?”
“What? No? What? No, I haven’t! And that’s none of your business anyway! God dammit Leo! What gave you that right? Does he know who I really am?”
“Yes, he does.”
I had to sit down. My head began to swim. Once again, here was Brother Leo playing puppeteer with my life. “You are not God Leo! What gave you the right to play puppet master with my fucking life! What gives any of you the right? Demitri hiding me away, keeping me weak on purpose and using my blood to make a fucking fortune. The both of you taught me to fear my vampirism, to fear the human world. You both couldn't even help me remember the basics of our gifts. Now I see you did it on purpose. You keep hiding my past and keeping me ignorant of the dearest people in my life. You of all people know more about me than anyone else. What do you fear of me remembering the past Brother Leo? Did you betray me as Demitri did?” I was visibly upset as tears of anger slipped from my eyes.
“I am sorry Poe. You're right. I had no right to keep secrets such as that. Demitri and I felt it was best to let you try and remember your past on your own. I honestly had no clue Demitri was going to go to the lengths he did. I wanted to tell you many times, and on those occasions that I threatened to tell you he would pack you up and disappear for years on end. He only came back here because of coven business. Once Maeve found out about you he threatened he would do the same if she tried to interfere. Joyful you were alive, she let it go since you seemed content. Demitri’s drinking became worse when Maeve forced a power play for the head of the coven. She felt his betrayal of keeping you a secret for so long was a betrayal to the entire coven as well. You were and still are a very important part member of the Coven of Lilith and Cain. Since this is my confession to you, you should also know you do not have an aversion to drinking human blood. You were lied to by Demitri. It was sadly yet another thing I could not disclose to you. I had my hunches when I first took you from the asylum. The reason you did not respond to their treatment was not because of the blood, it was because your DNA structure changed when you burned and were reborn underground. The incubus part of you needs to be fed more now as you age. Your thirst for blood may actually cease one day. I have been giving you human blood this entire time since you returned to Demitri the first time. He wanted to keep your blood as pure as possible so it would be at full potency. I am truly sorry I kept so much from you. You have never betrayed me and I have never betrayed you my son. I am so very sorry I was not honest from the start. There was never any malice meant on my part, I was only doing what I thought was right. But now I see it was far from that.” He hung his head in shame. I knew he was being honest.
“I, I plan to confront Henri once I leave this room.”
“Poe, I don't think that would be wise. He’s not the same person you once knew. Perhaps he has been testing you all this time. ” His voice sounded sincerely saddened.
“Once he knows I remember him....”
Brother Leo cut me off. “Really Poe? It is naïve of you to think so. A lot has transpired over the past two-hundred plus years. After the fall of the Order of the Old Blood and your passing, Pierre took your middle name and became Henri Rideau. He changed drastically after that, burying all traces of who he once was with you. He left for Paris and never looked back. In 1853 I approached the Archdioceses about rebuilding the Abbey and starting the Confessional program again. It was sorely needed. Lady Char and Henri came back to help me establish the new Abbey of St. Francis. We rebuilt it on the same land the original was on. When the Civil War came to our doorstep, on May 30th he left and went to Mobile, Alabama from there he went straight to Virginia and to join his command where he was a Private in the 3rd Company Washington Artillery. During heavy bombardment by the Union, Henri was killed instantly. He was the only one of his regiment to pass away in battle. They buried him where he fell. After digging himself out of the ground he wandered back here, shell shocked. War had changed him forever. As time went on he turned hard. Almost cruel in a way. He went back to training the incoming Confessionals which is where most of his anger is displayed.
The Coven of Lilith and Cain, Maeve, and Mother Superior are it's benefactors. Although Maeve is not a follower of the faith, she saw that there was still a need for it among the religious vampire community. Are you willing to open yourself up to that life again?” He questioned me with still a hint of sadness to his voice.
“What lifestyle are you talking about?” Anger began to swell inside me again.
“Giving yourself back to the church. If you insist on pursuing this with Henri will be opening yourself up again to the Abbey and the coven once again. You will have to give your blood freely to the elders and perhaps even your body. Are you ready for that? Do you even really remember what your life was like back then? Have you read your journal I gave you? You were quite miserable a great deal of the time. Why would you even conceive the thought of going back to it?”
Going back to what? I had no clue what he meant. Pondering his questions in a moment of silence, “No. I have been too afraid too. I thought it might be better if I let experiences and talking to those of my past would help me remember. What if I was miserable? Should I let it stop me from seeing 'what if'?”
“What if Henri doesn't feel the same? Have you thought of that as well? Don’t you find it odd that he denies remembering you? Beware of sweet smiles for they have daggers behind their eyes.” His voice turned cold.
“Yes, he denies it and I plan on confronting him about it. Have you not noticed how he has been following me around for years as a love struck puppy? I did what you said and politely always brushed it off. But I can’t anymore. I have very strong feelings for him as he does for me. I need to know. Brother Leo, please don't try to stop me. I have made up my mind.”
“Still as stubborn as you used to be. I care deeply about you Poe. I don't want to see you hurt. Please, don't do this. Keep the memories you have recovered and move on. I beg you.”
“I'm sorry Brother Leo, but my trust in you has dwindled to close to none. And I really don't understand why being with Henri forces me back into church?”
“Henri is very dedicated to his work as a trainer here. He takes great pride in what he does. He trained you when you were a Confessional here. Those he has trained, humans at that, are able to take and give all that we need our Confessional to do. Of course we have changed the rules and what types of sexual acts are allowed now, but they can survive it all. He truly is a master of his craft. Lady Char taught him well. Because of their dedication we have been able to open more Abbeys around the world and provide them with Confessionals. If you confront him do you expect to pick up where you left off two-hundred and twenty-five years ago? Be serious now Poe. I beg you to think it through.” He pleaded with me.
“Fine.” I sighed. “I will do as you suggest and think it through a bit more. Before I confront Henri I will read the damn journal, okay.”
“Thank you Poe. God bless you. I really mean it. And please, talk with me first if you still want to go through with this. Will you promise me that much?”
“Yes, Brother Leo. I will, I promise.”
I left his office and went straight to my quarters. I was so angry. I was so tired of people trying to control my life. I had to get out and go for a walk. I needed to clear my head. As I strolled down to the small park by the Abbey, I thought about what Brother Leo said. What was he talking about? What the hell was a Confessional? After walking around the park and along the river I went back and went straight to my room and picked up the old leather embossed journal. Holding it for some time, I finally built up the courage and began to read. The first page was dated June 1774 in my handwriting. It was hard to grasp that I had been alive for so long. Even if I did sleep more than most of it away. Was I really that old? Looking in the mirror over my dresser, I definitely did not look it. To the outside world I looked no older than perhaps twenty-one. Not much different looking than any Gothic/Punk kid. Looking back down at the book in my hands I took a deep breath and began to read. It seemed even back then I was incredibly open and honest. Brother Leo was correct when he said I was very unhappy in my life at that time. It was horrifying reading what I endured as a Confessional. But there was a constant shining light there in all of my darkness, Pierre. And I wrote a lot about someone named Sebastian who was also there by my side for the most part. It was Pierre that was my escape, my love. My heart. I put the journal down after reading about Katie having the babies and we began talking about getting our own home. I couldn't read any more. I must have cried myself to sleep almost every night for the following week. I could not believe how hellish my early life was. The constant pawn in other’s games. Even now I felt as if Brother Leo was still playing with my life rather than being a guardian. It was so frustrating.
The day came that I couldn’t put my feelings aside any longer. I dressed in a nice suit and went to see Brother Leo in the chapel Sunday Mass had just let out.
“I have made up my mind. I am going to confront Henri.”
“There will be consequences if you do go through with this. If you do, you will be revealed and thrust back into the spotlight of the coven. Survivors of the vampire wars will remember you and want to seek council with the 'Child of Lilith'. You will have to dedicate yourself once again to us. Are you ready to do that?” Brother Leo asked me a matter of factly.
I don't think at the time I clearly understood what he meant, but blurted out regardless,
“Yes. I will do all you ask. I have to do this Brother Leo. I have to know. If I don't it will feel like I will be walking with this giant hole in my heart forever. I will do whatever you want. You have my word.” And I meant every word of it.
“With that settled then, Henri is waiting to see you in the Confessional training room. I told you that if you insisted on going through with this, you had to return to the Abbey.”
I stared him down angrily. “How dare you! Once again playing puppet master with my life. God Dammit. I should have known better. I do not want to ever be a Confessional. That isn't fair.”
“Ah, that temper of yours. Reel it back. Now. You just agreed you would do anything, am I not correct.” He scolded me.
Feeling a bit ashamed for snapping, I apologized. Sitting quietly now in deep thought I fiddled with my tie. He lifted my chin to look him in the eyes.
“Poe, you wanted this. You know what you promised me. Do you want to confront him or not? You do not have to agree to my terms just yet. So, for now, go to him. Go to Henri.” He said in a loving voice.
Everything from that moment seemed to move in slow motion. I barely remember walking down the long hall to the training room. When I entered the huge room it looked just like it did back then. Flashes of my days of training stormed through my head. My legs suddenly didn't want to move. A man in Confessional robes approached me. Removing his hood I recognized him right away. Still unable to make my feet move, he came running to me and picked me up in his arms.
“My Poe, ma chère petite! I can't believe you are here. I was so worried I had done something wrong since I had not seen you all week.” He exclaimed as he showered my face with kisses. I held onto him for dear life and sobbed.
“Why Henri, or should I say Pierre? Why were you not honest with me? Why did you not confess to knowing me. I feel like a fool.”
Wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Your reaction to walking into this room for the first time since you were taken from here so long ago is why I did not tell you the truth. You froze mon amour, all color drained from your handsome face. I did not want to influence your memories. I am sure by now you have read your journal given back to you by Brother Leo?”
“I did, and it broke my heart. But you, you Pierre, were a constant shining light in all that darkness. That is why I needed to see if, now that I am beginning to remember the past, do you still want me? Or was this all a game?”
“Oh, my beloved I wanted to make new ones with you. I want to continue to make new memories with you. I love you Poe, I never stopped and I have never loved another since you. This was never a game to me mon amour. That is why I kept letting you call me Henri and wish you to do so. Neither of us are the people we were back then, am I correct? Let us together, begin a new chapter in our lives. One of fun and adventure filled with love. Ensemble pour toujours mon amour. Together forever mon petite.”
For the remainder of the evening we caught up on what had been going on in our lives talking late into the night. It was an incredible feeling to wake up in his arms once again the following morning. It felt like it was all a dream, but his scent told me differently. It was real, and this did happen. We were together again, forever. I woke up feeling complete for the first time since reawakening in 1983. Everything was finally perfect. Smiling, he kissed me, wrapping me in his arms and said, “Ensemble pour toujours mon amour. Together forever mon petite.”
After our reunion it was discussed at length that I would be reintroduced into the Coven of Lilith and Cain and the ways of the Abbey with Brother Leo's guidance. I dedicate myself to the church and coven once again as I promised. I poured all my energy in learning the laws, and the inner workings of the Abbey. If I had to be a part of that life, then I needed to know all that I could. Brother Leo also asked me to be a consultant for Confessionals. Someone they could come to if they had issues with clients, needed advice, or just someone to listen to them. I was good at it. And I enjoyed my work a lot. It had become an escape for me when things got rough.
They tried to warn me. But I was stubborn. I had to see if it could work. We had to be together. I had unknowingly convinced myself my world would never be complete without him. Then, of course, the inevitable came and it all began to go wrong. It happened one afternoon shortly after we officially began to see each other. The day began feeling off to begin with. Henri woke up in a very unpleasant mood. I tried to get him to talk about what was bothering him but he said it was nothing and not to worry about it. And after a day of training Confessionals he was in an even more foul mood.
“Come here Poe.” He snapped his fingers at me and pointed in front of him when he arrived back to his chambers.
“Do you remember how to show your Maître how much you adore him little one?” I did remember those times between us. His questions caught me off guard though as we had not slept together yet since we reunited. Before I knew it, there I was, on my knees in front of him. He raised his robes to expose his already hard cock. Grabbing the back of my head he shoved it roughly into my mouth gagging me. My eyes began to water as I choked a bit. My hands instinctively went to try and push myself away. I heard a low giggle come from him.
“I see you have to be retrained all over again. Hands to your side. My prized pupil. There has never been the likes of you since. I will make you the perfect Confessional once again.”
What was he talking about? I tried to pull myself away to protest what he was saying but he held my head in place, fucking my mouth. Tears rolled down my cheeks as he continued to gag me on purpose, hitting the back of my throat. I looked at him pleadingly to stop but that seemed to fuel him even more. Releasing his frustrations and seed into my mouth he clamped it shut with his hand forcing me to swallow. He knew how much I hated that. Not soon after it all came back up. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I looked at myself in the mirror for a brief second. I was sickly pale, and disgusted with myself. What the fuck was happening? What was I doing? “Whore” I said to the mirror, brushed my teeth quickly and went back to Henri. He had a stern look on his face and his arms were crossed.
“Back here, on your knees. I never gave you permission to get up. Now you must take your punishment.”
“What are you talking about? Why did you just do that to me? I want to be with you, but that was a bit more than called for....”
“Hush! You will not speak to me in that tone. Do you understand Poe? When Brother Leo told me you were alive I was happy. But things will never be as they were. This is the beginning of our new relationship. If you want to be with me, it will be on my terms this time. Not yours. Understood.” He spoke so coldly.
I could only nod. I was frozen in place as I tried to process what was going on. I thought I was prepared to be with him again. Brother Leo said he had changed, but this was beyond anything I thought. I stared at him with utter confusion. What happened to the sweet Parisian young man who had spent the last eight months trying to sweep me off my feet? This was not the Pierre I remembered. This was not the Pierre I wrote about in my journal.
“Now undress and get back here. I want to look at you. All of you.”
Removing my clothes quickly as to not aggravate him any further I hurriedly knelt at his feet. Showering them with kisses.
“Ah, now that's more like it. Good boy. I see you do remember. Now stand and let me look at you. Mmmmm, so pale and smooth. Your body looks much different now that you carry no scars. Did they all heal while you were in deep slumber? Although I see Rhavan's marking survived, along with your tattoos. Perhaps I should mark you as mine somehow. What do you think Poe, shall I do that?”
Again I stood mute. Everything was so out of my control. I began to feel numb all over, body and mind.
“What is the proper stance you should be in while standing before me mon petite? Good, I see you remember. Now stay there and do not move. If you do, your punishment will be much worse. Is that understood?”
All I could do was nod. 'Whack!' came the first lash. Then the second and third. He was determined to mark me. The training suddenly all rushed back washing over me like an ocean wave. My body began to react instinctively to his commands. The incubus inside began to stir for the first time since my reawakening. The harder he whipped me the more I craved the pain. Silently I wept as he beat me bloody and as much as I wanted to run, my feet stood solid in their spot. I began to get lost in the feeling and my body relaxed a bit. Henri saw I was reaching subspace.
“Looks like Demitri has been busy with you as well. Your reactions to my hands tell me so. But he can't do for you what I can. He can never make you feel the way I can.” He purred in my ear.
He couldn’t have been more further from the truth but my body shuddered under his fingers. I found myself craving more of him. He snapped his fingers and I was down on my knees. “Make me hard again, I want to fuck you ma chère petite. Maintenant mon amour open that pretty mouth of yours.”
“Wait, please, may I speak please Maître. I..” I was cut off by a slap to the face, splitting my lip.
“How dare you speak again without my permission. Now you may not speak or make any noises for the rest of our session together. Do you understand.” He scolded me.
Henri proceeded to smear the blood from my lip across my cheek with his thumb. Again he abused my mouth for his self gratification. I couldn't stop the tears no matter how much I wanted to. Beside the occasional sound of me gagging, I made not a sound. The room spun slightly around me.
“There is something in your suffering that just turns me on. The way the tears make your eyes look even bluer. Your face so young and innocent looking. But we know what kind of killer lies beneath all of that don't we Poe.” His words sounded so cruel. A chill went through me.
Satisfied he was hard enough, Henri commanded me to get on all fours on the bed and keep my head down. No matter how close I was to cumming I was not allowed to release. Something cold and slick hit my orifice and he shoved himself inside tearing into me. It was torture and bliss all wrapped together. The incubus inside me was fully awake and feeding and loving every moment. My mind on the other hand felt as though it would break. He must have relieved his tensions inside me at least four times before I was allowed release.
“I want you to bring yourself to orgasm in front of me.” He commanded.
My face flushed red with embarrassment. I didn't know if I could do it. That was something completely private and intimate.
“Come, come now Poe. No reason to be prudish with me my love. I need you to be completely open with me. We are going to explore many new things together mon amour. Now, get to it. Pleasure yourself for your Maître. Show me how much you love me.”
Swallowing back my pride, I took a deep breath and began to stroke myself. Closing my eyes, I tried to concentrate and let the incubus part of me take over. I could deal much better with all of it, if it would just surface.
“No, no. Open your eyes. I want you to look at me while you do it. I want to make sure that you are not thinking of anything or anyone but me.”
By the time he said that I was able to look at him. Our eyes locked as I let my body's natural reaction happen. It didn't take long for me to cum. I was so pent up at that point a warm breeze could have done it for me. I felt sated for the moment, at least my body did. I was exhausted. At the same time I felt warm and relaxed. I laid there staring at the ceiling wondering what was coming next. Henri threw a towel at me.
“You did well Poe. I am very proud of you. Go clean yourself up and we'll go have dinner.” He got up, kissed me on the forehead and walked out of the room.
Sitting up I stared at the door. He just up and left like that? Not even a little bit of aftercare. This was not the Pierre I used to know. I was so confused. Still, doing as told I went and took a quick shower and dressed. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Dinner went well, we talked and ate as nothing had just happened. I don't know why, but that is just how it went. When we were alone in private, all bets were off. When we were around others though, we were very low key about our relationship. I cried most of the night as he slept soundly with his arms wrapped around me. Everything replayed over and over in my head. I just couldn't grasp all that happened. My head began to hurt. My throat burned and my body ached. I just wanted to sleep but my mind wouldn't shut up. When I finally did fall asleep it was wrought with nothing but bad dreams.
I woke to a vase with a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on the nightstand next to the bed and a note. “Please forgive me ma chère petite for my behavior yesterday. I was a bit rough on you. I love you. Henri.” My heart fluttered. See! I knew it would all be okay. I tried to convince myself. Sleepily I got up and dressed. Looking at myself in the mirror, I had deep red scars forming on my back. Henri did what he said. He made sure to mark me as his. Although my mind was exhausted, my body felt refreshed. I still couldn't look myself in the face. I placed the little note card in my new journal and went to the Abbey's communal kitchen. While I was in the process of making a cup of coffee Brother Leo walked in. I kept my head down and back to him. I couldn't look at him.
“Good morning Poe? How are you this glorious sunny day?” He said cheerfully.
“I'm doing well Brother Leo. Thank you for asking.” I made my drink quickly.
“Is something wrong? Why won't you look at me?”
“Oh? Uh, nothings wrong. I just didn't sleep well last night.” I tried to walk past him but he grabbed my arm stopping me. Damnit!
“Oh my! What happened to your face? Your lip and cheek have bruising. Did Henri do this to you?”
Hanging my head lower, I couldn't answer.
“Please Poe, look at me.” He said lifting my chin. “Why Poe would you let him do this to you? I know you want to be with him, but at what cost?”
“It all happened so fast. It's fine now. He apologized.” I said quickly, trying to dismiss Brother Leo's concern.
“If this happens again, please, for the love of all that is Holy, leave this place and get as far away from him as possible. He changed drastically after the Abbey was attacked and your death was what broke him. He has become hardened. Cold.” He said sadly.
“It won't happen again. Perhaps now that we are together I can break through the wall he has built around his heart because of me.” I said, trying to convince us both. But in my heart, I knew this was only the beginning. Things would not be alright and it would happen again, quite often. My Pierre was gone.
Over the following weeks, Henri was relentless about me training to be a Confessional again. I was still extremely uncomfortable doing that type of work and I was content as an advisor. If I did agree I would be his personal Confessional. Eventually, he broke me down and at the time I would have still done anything to be with him. I was completely enamored with him. So once again I was adorned in Confessional robes and performing for Henri on an almost nightly basis. My body was strong enough to handle his abuse. The incubus part of me craved his whips and touch. My mind though, not so much. My heart broke more and more each day as I felt I could do nothing right to please him.
It was at this time I began to reach out to Maeve for advice and support. It wasn’t like I could ask anyone at the Abbey about love advice. We would spend hours on the phone just talking. She was so understanding and supportive I don’t think I could have made it as long as I did in my relationship with Henri. By this time I had read the entirety of my journal, several times. Her and I had a bit of a rough start when I was at the brothel, but she was always there for me. I was so thankful to have her in my life.
​
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79
Nothing Lasts Forever
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I had been at the Abbey for almost eight months. Life with Henri had become an emotional living hell. He had become extremely demanding and controlling. He also became overly possessive. Our sex life was no better. With each passing day he purposely pushed my limits when we were intimate. Oftentimes I was left a bloody mess, too sore to even walk. There was an air of malice behind it and for the life of me I couldn't understand why. It was all taking its toll. I wanted to be with him desperately, but at the same time, I knew I was being abused. I spoke to Brother Leo and confided in Maeve about my concerns. The both of them kept begging me to end it with him. But I couldn't give up on him. I had to find a way to make it work. Sadly, though no matter what I did or how much I tried, things progressively got worse. Then one evening in December 2018, it all came crashing down and I never saw it coming. After a night of taking Henri's confession and rough sex I was left in tears once again from the pain of his whip and the abuse he put upon my body. I was sore from neck to toes. After that first time together, he always gave me aftercare. But not this time. He got dressed and coldly turned to me and proceeded to say, “I have had enough of you. You have failed me Poe. I no longer have the patience to do this with you. You are still so naïve and weak thanks to Demitri and Brother Leo’s influence. I feel like I'm fucking a woman. All these tears. It annoys me to no end. It used to turn me on. Now it's, it's just tiring.”
“What...what are you saying? Why are you being so cruel?” The tears streamed down my face even more.
“We are done. I have become bored with you. What is so hard to understand about that? I am leaving you. I am breaking up with you. You no longer have a place in my life. Is that clear enough?”
“What do you mean you're leaving me?” I couldn't grasp what he was saying.
“You've been so wrapped up in this old fantasy of what we were so long ago that you can not grasp the present. I know you have convinced yourself that you need me, but honestly mon amour, I don't need you.”
It felt like I had been slapped in the face. All I could do is stare at him in utter disbelief. This was all a bad dream. He was just upset with me. He doesn't mean it. He doesn't mean it. I kept repeating to myself as he looked down on me with little pity and continued on.
“I love you. I do. And I always will. I have loved you from the moment we met. At one time I was deeply in love with you. Or was it more the idea of you. I'm not really sure. Poe you are unlike any creature I have ever encountered. I was so young back then. Only a decade or so in my new reborn life with Lady Char. Your energy, your sexual aura, your beauty. It was all so amazing to me. The fact that you held such tremendous power within you, but yet, you were still so weak you needed me. That became crystal clear to me more even now in the present. Out of that need I was able to mold you into the obedient submissive you are now.”
“I...I...I..” My voice left me.
“Perhaps this is my way of showing you how much you hurt me when you went off and married Katie. Not even a word about it to me, your mate, beforehand. No. I had to find out that day while watching the two of you joyfully join together. It killed me inside that day. I swore then and there I would never fall in love again. A small part of me died that day. In a way I was actually grateful the day she and the wee ones were killed. It meant that you needed me again. And then, and then you went and died on me! That utterly broke me. It truly destroyed me inside. I left for Paris and lived there in seclusion until Brother Leo asked me to come back to the Abbey. I have never given my heart to another in all of this time. When I was told that you were alive my heart skipped a beat. Never in a million years did I ever believe I'd see you again in this lifetime. I, very much like you, wanted this to work out between us. To finally have our 'happily ever after'. But mon amour we both know it can never be. There has been too much time between us. I have moved on and outgrown you. I will always love you, but we can no longer be together.” His voice was cold.
I sat there on the bed shaking. My chest felt tight and I couldn't breathe as all the color drained from my face. His voice chilled me to the bone.
“Stop looking at me like that. You will get over this. You will. It will be like before you remembered I even existed.” Such venom in his voice. “Focus on a life with Maeve. She is the one you should have been with this whole time, she has always been there. Have a happy life Poe. You deserve it. Just not with me” He bent down and kissed me on the cheek and walked out the door and my life forever.
All I could do was continue to stare at the door, shaking. Sobs wracked my chest. I tried to stand up and leave the room to chase after him but my legs wouldn't hold me and I hit the floor with a thud. I was on my knees rocking back and forth clutching my chest and hyperventilating. I had to call Maeve. I had to talk to someone. I fumbled with my phone as I tried to calm down. With shaky hands I was able to press the button.
“Hello? Hello? Poe is that you? What is it? What happened that has you in such a state? Try to calm yourself. You have to slow your breathing. Take a deep breath. Now breathe. It's okay. I'm here. Breathe. Please calm down and try to speak to me hun.” She said in a soothing voice.
“He left me. Henri left me.” I sobbed hysterically. “It feels like a part of me is dying. I...I...I can't breathe. Why would he do this to me? I thought everything between us was good. I mean I know he was difficult to please at times, but I never saw any signs that he was so unhappy with me. I am at a loss Maeve. I don't get it.” I was inconsolable.
“I have spent my entire life trying to be what others wanted and live up to all expectations. I have no clue who I really am. Who am I Maeve? He promised he'd never leave me. That we would be together for...” I trailed off into the thought of what could have been.
“Forever? That's a long time for vampires. Humans use the word “forever” too freely. To them, “forever” is a term for a lifetime. For us, “forever” can be forever. It is an impossible promise for one of our kind to make. It was unfair of him to even promise it. My poor beloved boy. I am so sorry he did that.” She said sadly. “Come home beloved. Come home to me and let's help you move on. I love you.”
“I love you too Maeve. More than you'll ever know.” I said through my tears.
She and I talked a bit more and I calmed down enough to try to get some sleep. Unfortunately I couldn't quiet my mind. I wanted out of there. I had to leave the Abbey. That night I made arrangements to be on the first plane out of New Orleans the next morning. I left without a word. Brother Leo didn't even know I left. When I arrived in Florida, Kryimsson met me at the airport. He knew right away all was far from well when he saw me. I broke down in his arms the moment I saw him. I told him what transpired the night before between Henri and I. His heart broke for me and he did his best to comfort me. Brother Leo had been trying to call me all morning and I refused to answer. I couldn't deal with him right now.
It was early morning when pulled up to a quaint home in a quiet little neighborhood in Orlando. The two story house was beautifully decorated for the holidays. It looked no different than the rest of the houses surrounding it blending well in with human society. When we entered the inside it too was eloquently decorated with a huge Christmas tree in the main hallway. Kryimsson brought me to a room on the second floor that was located next to his. It was nicely decorated with all things I had interest in. He pointed out several objects on a dresser he said once belonged to me. Maeve and Kryimsson stood in the doorway as they watched me walking around the room. I chuckled a bit to myself as I saw old leather pouches on an old tattered leather belt hanging on the closet door knob where I suddenly remembered how I always used to hang them. Another memory came to me. I grabbed the pouches and sat on the bed. Frantically I dug through the pouches looking for something very important as more and more of a memory flooded back. A sigh of relief escaped me as I retrieved it from a hidden pocket. “Maeve, come sit with me please.”
She happily obliged and sat down. I leaned in and kissed on her cheek. A tingling went through me from head to toe I didn't remember ever having before. Taking her hand in mine, I took what was in my hand and slid it on her finger. Her eyes lit up and filled with tears.
“This is where it belongs. I had this made to give to you because you were so worried about me, so I was hoping to give it to you the night we argued. I didn't want you to worry. I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have never gone.” She grabbed onto me and sobbed. I held her never wanting to let go. More memories flooded my mind.
“I had all intentions of not going that night. I was coming to your room to tell you and that's when I saw the kiss between you and Demitri. I know now it was nothing on your part. But at the time I got hot headed and then Demitri came to my room and convinced me to still go. That you were just being over emotional and everything would be fine in the morning. I guess for him it was.” My voice trailed off thinking about those poor people on a burning boat.
As I was absorbing my new surroundings a young man who looked to be in his mid twenties walked in. He began to ask Kryimsson a question as to who their guest was and suddenly stood frozen in his tracts, mid sentence. He just stood staring at me the same way Kryimsson had when he saw me for the first time. I had seen him before in my dreams. The young Native American boy. Without a word he ran and grabbed me and hugged me tightly, sobbing.
“Nicholas! Oh my God. I can't believe it's you Nicholas! Oh my God. You finally came home to us! You’re really here! Oh my God. Thank you God!” He cried as he clung to me with all his might. Something clicked in my head.
“Sebastian?” I asked.
“You remember me? Oh my God! I was so afraid you wouldn't. They said you had no memories of us. Wow you look so different with such dark hair and I see ya gained weight!” He giggled with happiness. He felt most familiar to me. I just knew who he was. There was no guessing. He was my fledgling. Maeve took me gently by the hand.
“What would you like us to call you? I know Demitri gave you the name Poe, do you wish us to continue to call you by that name?”
I thought about it for a moment. “No, call me Nicholas. I need to remember who I was. Who I am. Not what someone else wanted me to be. Brother Leo named me Nicholas, it is who I really am. The name feels like who I am. I wish to keep that name. The one that was on stone next to Katie and the babies.”
Suddenly I felt horrible inside. Here I was surrounded by people who loved and cared deeply for me and yet they were almost complete strangers to me. The only memories I had at the moment were full of anger, deceit, war and so on. Sensing I was becoming overwhelmed Maeve shooed everyone from the room so I could rest.
“Awwwww, come on Maeve, he just got here. I have so many questions and have so much to share with him.” Sebastian whined.
“You have a lifetime to catch up my dear boy, now let Nicholas rest. He has had a rough past 24 hours.” She kissed my forehead and left me alone in my new room.
There I sat on the end of my bed and thought of all that had transpired over the past twenty-four hours. Saying it had been rough was a bit of an understatement. My whole world had been turned upside-down and inside out. It all happened so fast. One minute I was having a session with Henri and then, POW! Done. Tears began to swell in my eyes. Fear gripped my heart along with sorrow. Suddenly out of nowhere I actually missed Demitri. What the fuck. His words came back to me. “Why couldn’t you stay dead.” How could he say such hateful things? How could Henri be so cold and cruel? I had so many questions swirling around my head. As much as I wanted to reach out to him I knew I couldn't. Grabbing my phone, I put in my earbuds and laid down. Letting the music wash over me, I escaped into my own little world until I was able to cry myself to sleep.
I wallowed in my heartbroken misery for the following week. All that talk I gave about being able to handle the rejection was all horseshit. It broke me. It forced me to see that I was not as strong as I believed I was. Walking around the house like a ghost I could not for the life of me grasp the fact that Henri wanted nothing to do with me. He even went as far as to block me on all forms of social media and had his number changed. The last words I heard from him was the day he walked out of my life. At a loss as to how to help me, Maeve reached out to Brother Leo to see if he could perhaps help. He was unaware as to all that went down when I suddenly got up and left the Abbey. She filled him in and told him of my emotional state. He flew straight to Orlando the next day. After being counseled at length over the next several days I was able to figure out how to move past this moment in my life. And that is just what it was, only a moment in a very long life.
I kept my promise to continue as an advisor to the Confessionals at the Abbey, but from afar. There was no way I could in good conscience go back to that place with Henri there as well. It was still way too much for me to handle emotionally. I perform sin-eating and help with exorcisms when needed as well as dedicating myself to the coven. I opened myself up once again to the coven as the Child of Lilith by freely sharing my blood with them when needed. I was treated with great respect this time unlike with fear as the past elders had towards me. As such I had to become a part of the covens council. It's a huge responsibility but I feel I have handled it well. The night that I made peace with myself about the Abbey, I had a dream that Fenya and Katie came to me. They told me to LIVE my life. To let them go, so I could enjoy life in the present to its fullest. My heart felt as it broke all over again at that moment. But they were right. I had an entire lifetime ahead of me. I had great friends who were my family now. I had Maeve, the real true love of my life. The one I knew who would never leave me. In my heart I knew life would get better. That this pain would not last forever. And I would be whole once again.
Over the next several days leading up to Christmas, we spent time catching up. I had remembered more about my time alive in 1815 and came clean about my short stint back at sea with Capt. Lafitte to Sebastian. From the look on his face he was extremely saddened I decided to not reconnect with him. Kryimsson broke in about when they both felt my presence. But in retrospect he also took into account the life I had lived, and my mental age at that time, he couldn't fully blame me. Out of everyone he truly understood me. I told them about the asylum, my quiet, sheltered life with Demitri and how Brother Leo had been pretty much my only friend. Kryimsson was still greatly angered by how they kept me a secret all these years. He really wasn't surprised by Demitri's actions. He always saw him for what he was. What hurt was Brother Leo and Maeve staying silent. He of all people, why would he keep something like this a secret. What did he fear from me knowing who I was and remembering my past. That was the confusing part. Maeve was beyond enraged. She felt manipulated by Demitri. After my death they continued to stay married for quite a long time. Then around the time of the Civil War, they began to have trouble. Maeve did not believe in slavery and fought hard as an Abolitionist. She said, seeing the risks Sebastian, Kryimsson and I took back in the day to help free slaves she needed to do something to continue the fight. Demitri on the other hand was a staunch supporter of the war and even went as far as to help raise money for the New Orleans troops. By the time the war was in full swing they were divorced. She still owned all the properties there, but allowed him to stay in the home I had lived in with Demitri.
When someone would bring up a memory of me with them, I acted like I knew what they were talking about when in all reality, I had no memory of it whatsoever most of the time. It was rough mentally and emotionally those first few months living with everyone. I am lucky to have such loving, patient, caring folks around me who understood and gave me plenty of space and time to sort things through.
Slowly over time my inherent gifts began manifesting themselves with the help of Sebastian's blood worked through my system. I honestly had no clue what abilities and gifts I may still have had after I burned to a crisp in 1823. To this day, I still have no clue how my body was able to repair itself while I was in a two-hundred year slumber. Kryimsson said it was because I am immortal. When my crew buried me in New Orleans, my body, although charred beyond recognition, was still fully intact. There may be a small chance that I still carry all that power within me, I just don't have the same anger and rage to fuel it I guess. Plus, it's near impossible to drink the blood of ancient ones again since it is believed none no longer exist. Yes, Maeve and Kryimsson have a very old bloodline, but it took a certain combination to bring out the gifts from the Goddess Lilith. And even back then when I went through that transformation into my true self no one really knew how to help. But this time around I had several people near and dear to me I could trust to help me harness them. And they knew now how to help me now thanks to Brother Leo's journals and today's science we have developed over time about vampires. It started with Sebastian and I speaking mostly telepathically. Maeve helped me learn to control my inherent gifts as a Svartálfar and vampire living among humans. It still amazes me to this day how clueless they are about how many of us live around them. Maeve and I also began to slowly rekindle our love and passion for one another. This brought the incubus inside me back out and at full force. It was a bit to handle at first and introducing BDSM back into the relationship helped me tame the inner beast. Since the incubus part of me had also been dormant for so long, I am not sure if I still possess the power to make the wings manifest. I would like to hope that I still can. I miss being able to take to the air and fly.
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80
Living My Best Life
Henri leaving me really threw me for a loop. As much as my relationship grew with Maeve my heart greatly still ached for him. I felt like shit still feeling that way for someone who didn’t want me. I honestly never planned a life without him by my side. Now I was navigating a new start with people I somewhat remember and visions of my past that fucked with my constantly.
After coming to live in Orlando Kryimsson taught me the ways of living in the world outside the Abbey. He helped me open a bank account and Maeve taught me how to invest the money I made. Sebastian showed me how email worked. Taught me the in’s and outs of a computer and computer games. I love video games. Playing World of Warcraft is one of my guilty pleasures. I would get lost on the internet and spend hours on end researching and looking up things I had forgotten, places, moments of history I was involved in. It was so amazing to go back and read the history of Black Bart, Jean Lafitte, the great fire of New Orleans. I love how humans have written their history. I feel privileged to have been able to live and experience those famous moments in history.
As for the Coven of Lilith and Cain, they are still quite dominant in the vampire world. Meetings are still held once a month at a very secret and secure location, never in the same place twice. There are still those few who wish to see us fall. We learned back with Bishop, you can never let your guard down, no matter how powerful you are. There is always someone on the sidelines waiting to take you down. There are a few members though who were extremely loyal to Demitri and directly blamed me for his downfall. There was a part of me that was terrified we were going to go back down that old road that lead to wars, but they seemed to be content with just fucking with my relationship with Maeve. They would, out right in front of me, inquire why she was with me. Why waste my time on such a young pup with such a past. She was only asking for trouble. I wasn’t even human, how could she trust me? It began to play with my head and I began to have panic attacks about being alone. I thought I had been hiding it well, but as always, Maeve knows me better than anyone. She planned a trip for us to get away from life for a few days. After spending an incredible day together we had a nice dinner and drinks back in our hotel room. Seeing the alcohol was beginning to loosen me she confronted me about what was going on.
“I can clearly see something has been eating at you for some time. Do you want to share with me what has you so troubled my love?” She kissed my lips softly.
“Maeve, why do you still stand by my side after all this time? You could have very easily told me to stay at the Abbey and make it work. You could have forced me to be a Confessional once again. You have that power, but yet you spared me that fate. Is it all really more than just a life debt as others whisper?” I asked, defeated.
“Nicholas, look at me. I. LOVE. YOU. I have loved you since I set eyes on you. The first time I fed from you I knew I loved you. It was like part of my soul had been found. Yes, I was in love with Demitri, convinced my place was by his side as we began building the Coven of the Children of Lilith. But the more I was around you, I could no longer deny my feelings. To this day I feel very responsible for his betrayal of you. If I had not loved you so deeply, he would have never handed you over to Bishop. I have walked this earth a very long time and for all the lovers and loves of my life, you are the one I want to be with. For as long as you wish it, I will be by your side.”
“After Henri told me to leave, and I called you, I knew then my place was with you. By your side. To love and cherish you my beloved. You have always been there helping me pick up the broken pieces of my life. Now I have a chance at a truly happy life with someone who really wants me. Thank you Maeve for always being there. I love you. I really, really do.” And I felt every bit of it. My love for her washed over me like an ocean wave.
Taking her in my arms I hugged and held her for what felt like forever, but it still felt good. Someone wanted me. Wanted to love me for me. To help me grow and discover who I really am and can become.
Two years later, my life is full of friends and loved ones. I’m still working for the Abbey of St. Francis and make a pretty good living at it. When I’m not working Kryimsson, Maeve, Sebastian and I enjoy traveling the world together and have found a love for Renaissance Faires. We actually found some of our lost brothers and sisters from the 'Mary Jane' at a place called the New York Renaissance Faire, NYRF for short. Capt'n Daryl had been living in New York, working in the record business managing bands. Kronyk had been living in New Jersey along with Apocalypse and Grinch. Lady Katrina was in Connecticut along with Thomas Graham. Being reunited with them was a dream I never even thought of. Together we started a group we called “The Clan of Seven Leaves.” We also have found fellow fae folk who have been able to integrate among the Renn Faire scene. Funny enough, all of our little group personas are those of pirates. My persona name is Lord Captain Mourn Fean-Tlabbar, but mostly everyone I know just calls me 'Mourn'. As a group we are part of a pirate fleet which consists of humans and fae folk as well called the ‘Lost Boys’. All drawn to relive their pasts, but in a more open way. Although there are those humans who still feel there is no place for us in their society or history, we do exist. You can not touch any time in past history where folklore and mythology don't play a huge part in society. There are those who still protest to this day that we even ever existed. But we did, and do. Here I am, living proof.
Life is pretty sweet now. We still reside in our home in a little upscale neighborhood in Orlando. Kronyk lives with myself and Maeve for the time being. He introduced me to Professional Wrestling. I love it! Apparently there was a time where he was a pro wrestler himself. He has tons of stories of when he was on the road with the likes of Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Iron Sheik, The Nasty Boys, and more indy workers than I can list here. They are absolutely as entertaining as you would expect. I later found out that Kryimsson and Sebastian had also worked as pro wrestlers in the independent scene with him. It made me happy to know that most of our old crew from our pirating days were still close. Kronyk and I have a lot of fun hanging out talking about comic books, movies and our love of 80’s music. It’s nice having one of my best friends living with me.
My beloved Maeve and I are absolutely madly in love and Handfasted in August of 2018. Every day with her is bliss. I love to dote on her hand and foot, taking care of her every whim. We have also brought back the Mistress/submissive dynamic into our relationship as well. It helps me work through my emotions still to this day. Yes, I crave the feel of a paddle, a strap, a belt, or flogger or just the feel of her hand on my backside. I find it very soothing. It helps feed the incubus.
Kryimsson as always, at some time or another, has to venture out into the world on his own and live his own life. I miss him dearly, but I know we will see each other soon enough. With social media these days, we do keep in touch. We talk often on the phone and in text and he visits us when he can. Same with my dear fledgling Sebastian. After my death he went to sea and discovered he had a deep love for travel. He went off to sea for a bit as a Merchant Marine for some time before I resurfaced. Now he resides in St. Augustine Florida where he lives a quiet life with a wife and tends bar for Mouser. Dr. David Mouser, aka known as the Gray Mouser, settled there sometime after the Mary Jane shipwreck. The name of his bar is called 'Shanghai Nobby's”. He no longer practices medicine.
Here in central Florida it's sunny and warm the majority of the time. Time has no meaning here much like the life of a vampire. Each day just bleeds into the next. I find living down here helps with my mental health tremendously. I enjoy sitting in the sun and warming myself. My skin has darkened like it was back when I once sailed the seas. Another thing I found helpful is floating in the pool, it allows me to meditate. I put earphones and float around losing myself in the music. It brings back memories of those times I would let my wings free and fly the night skies for hours on end.
More and more of my past has slowly been coming back to me. Haunting my dreams. There is a lot I really wish I hadn’t remembered, but I can no longer ignore it. The time to confront it has arrived. Move on from it. Maeve encouraged me to start writing down my memories. The way I remember it. So they wouldn't continue to rattle around in my head and I could work through the trauma of it at the same time. She’s right, it’s time.
At the present, the world outside my little bubble of protection is in chaos. Millions dead from a pandemic around the world. There has been very little leadership here in the great ol' land of America which has caused the loss of over two hundred thousand loved ones and counting. We are coming up on a historic election with record numbers already coming out early to vote. I have faith that with our next president we can rebuild connections with world leaders our current useless government felt we no longer needed. That woman's rights are preserved. That LGBTQ rights are not stripped away. That Black. Lives. Matter! And most of all that we will come together as a nation and be stronger than ever. I have faith that things here and in the world collectively will begin to heal soon. Sometimes you gotta go through hell to get to heaven.
It is bright, sunny and warm for this mid October day in 2020. Today is the day I begin to heal. Today I will begin to write my story. Perhaps in doing so others can find courage to heal and find they are survivors and warriors as well. A month ago I turned three hundred and fifty years old and if life has taught me anything so far it's this, paradise never lasts forever. No matter how much you wish it to. Loved ones come and go. Death is certain. But life is ever constant. And life is good.
